


What Makes Us Mortal

by Cedar (cecilcross)



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Both of them need a hug, Canon-Typical Violence, Enemies to Lovers, Falling In Love, FrostIron - Freeform, Intersex Loki (Marvel), Love/Hate, M/M, Manipulation, Masturbation, Memories, Panic Attacks, Past Rape/Non-con, Pining, Prosthesis, Rape/Non-con Elements, Rough Sex, Roughness, Sexual Content, Slow Build, Smut, Tony Stark Does What He Wants, Tony Stark has PTSD, Tony Stark is missing an arm, Tony does some fucked up shit while he's drunk, Trauma, Whump
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-13 09:34:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 28,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29524407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cecilcross/pseuds/Cedar
Summary: Tony wants to build a force field around Earth, but he's struggling with the project. He realizes he could learn a lot from a god who can perform magic. Thankfully, one just happens to be imprisoned on another world. Tony takes on Loki as his research subject, but he finds that Loki has a strange effect on him. Is it the effect of Loki's sorcery, or is Tony actually falling for the god of mischief? The two have a lot more in common than either man would care to admit...
Relationships: Loki/Tony Stark
Comments: 12
Kudos: 44





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> TWs for this chapter: mentions of PTSD.
> 
> Note: this is not a dark!Tony fic, though Tony does do some pretty fucked up things. Be warned.

Nick Fury was hesitant when Tony first approached the subject.

“We need this tech, Fury. You don’t understand, you didn’t see what I saw up there. It was...it was horrifying. If that wormhole had been bigger, they could have destroyed Earth in seconds. We have no defenses, we’re powerless against a force like that,” Tony practically begged.

“And you think building a force field is not only plausible, but will protect us if another incident like that occurs?”

“Absolutely! I just need to figure out a few things, like how exactly to shape the field into a sphere, and how to make it bigger than a pencil eraser, but I’ve got a start!”

Nick raised an eyebrow at the man. “So let me get this straight. You want me to ask the Asgardians if they’ll allow you, a human down on planet Earth, to take their prisoner, the guy - no, the god - that almost enslaved the entire universe, and you expect them to believe you’ve got the ability to keep him locked up?”

“I mean...yeah.” Tony replied indignantly, folding his arms. It’s not like he’d come up with the idea to study Loki last night. It was at least a few nights ago. But he knew he was capable of keeping the Asgardian prince in check.

“There is not a damn chance in all of hell that they’ll let you have him without some kind of proof you’ve got a jail cell fit to keep him from escaping.”

Tony beckoned for Nick to follow, and led him to a staircase on the far side of his home. “I built this in case we’d need it. Never happened, but I want to put it to good use.” 

Nick was skeptical. “A glass pane is gonna keep the god of mischief from busting out?” He asked. Underneath Tony’s apartment was a large area. The walls and floor were all white, and a small space in the far corner was sectioned off by drywall, separating a bathroom from the rest of the room. There was a large pane of what looked like regular glass spanning wall to wall, floor to ceiling, blocking off the cell from the landing at the foot of the stairs. A thick metal door allowed entrance to the room.

“Bulletproof glass, a couple inches thick.” Tony tapped a knuckle on the glass, which emitted a hollow thud. "There's another feature I've got in here that'll keep him around, too." He fished two pairs of ear plugs out of his pocket and handed one to Nick. “Put these in. You’ll need them.” 

Once the two of them had their ear protection in place, Tony called to Jarvis, asking him to start the protocol. The sound was quieter, but the two could still hear it. An extremely high-pitched ringing sound came from speakers in the ceiling of the small room. Nick recoiled at the noise and covered his ears - Tony could faintly hear a cry of “oh, shit!”.

Tony turned it off and removed his ear plugs. “Picked that up from Stane. Anything that has human ears is instantly disabled when they hear that sound. It’s sort of a failsafe, if nothing else. I also spent the last couple years trying to figure out some anti-magic tech.”

Nick took out his ear plugs and rubbed his temples. “Anti-magic tech…?”

“Yeah. When you’re dealing with a guy who’s able to do basically anything, you gotta figure out how to counteract that. I think I figured it out, for the most part.” He dug in his other pocket, pulling out two bracelet-looking devices. He went into detail about the material used in them, and how they functioned similarly to the magic-laced handcuffs they had seen Loki wearing before he was taken to Asgard.

Nick was impressed. “Well, shit. It looks like you’ve got it pretty figured out.”

“Well, yeah. I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t know what I was doing.” Tony smirked, knowing damn well that was a lie.

“I’ll contact the Asgardians. See what they think of your plan, and I’ll let you know.”

Tony thanked Nick and saw him out. He was giddy with excitement over the prospect of a new venture as major as this. The ability to study someone - or something - that possesses magical capabilities beyond human understanding was incredibly rare. A real life alien was just sitting around out there, and Tony thought it was a crying shame that nobody was bothering to study him while he was held captive. There was so much he wanted to know, even outside of the magic knowledge he planned to gain. Language, culture, habits, the astronomy of their world...his mind overflowed with curiosity about it. And Loki was the perfect test subject.

Loki. Tony’s jaw clenched and his excitement subsided when he thought about the man. The things he had gone through to stop Loki had caused him a great deal of suffering. The nightmares were the worst. Every night he would wake up in a cold sweat after having a terrifying dream. It was almost always the same. He’d fly the warhead into the rift above New York, his call to Pepper would fail, and his suit would die. And he’d see that horrifying sight. The ship. The threat to humanity. The scale of it, the vastness of the entire universe in front of him...just thinking about it made him feel a deep sense of sickness and unease. PTSD, the doctors had told him. He didn’t think he was the type to be traumatized by anything. But logically, it made sense. He had seen what nobody else had seen. In the back of his mind, he wondered if he would really be able to separate his feelings about Loki from his desire for knowledge.

He shook his head, trying to clear his mind of the thoughts. He tried to focus on Loki, and what he was going to do with the man when he got here. His mind wandered back to Loki himself, and what he thought of him. Loki had certainly made himself out to be a genius, a master tactician the likes of which Tony had never even heard of. That’s why they call him the god of mischief, he presumed. Tony didn’t know much about him outside of the sparse interactions they’d had. Something stirred inside Tony’s chest under the hunk of electronics and metal that kept him alive. He was excited for the opportunity to study something new, but it felt deeper than mere excitement. He was intrigued not only by Loki, the alien, but also by Loki, the person. He couldn't wait to hear back from Nick.

***

A few days had passed since Tony’s initial conversation with Nick Fury. Asgard had agreed to allow Tony to study Loki, given that the Asgardians were permitted to inspect the holding cell and the ‘magic-busting bracelets,’ as Tony called them, to determine if they would properly hold the god of mischief. After a few scouts tested it out, Tony was given the go-ahead. An entourage of Asgardian soldiers, including Thor himself, escorted Loki to Avengers Tower. The god was shackled and muzzled, as he had been when Tony last saw him before he was taken to Asgard. Tony showed the group to the cell, which was now adequately furnished, and stocked with necessities. Loki was placed in the cell, his shackles removed and the new cuffs added to his wrists, and the door was shut behind him.

“Hey, I appreciate you guys going through all this trouble. It’s not every day you get to study a god,” Tony thanked Thor.

“It is our pleasure. We appreciate having one less mouth to feed in Asgard, as well. But, man of iron, are you sure you'll be able to handle him?”

“I'm sure I can manage.” He looked over at Loki who was inspecting the new cuffs on his wrists and taking in the interior of his cell.

“He's not easy to monitor. Be very careful you don't fall for any of his tricks. If you see him standing in an open doorway, don't lunge at him.” Thor sniffed. "He's also very skilled at hand-to-hand combat."

Tony smiled. “Gotcha, point break. I'll let Asgard know if anything goes south.” He patted Thor on the shoulder and led him and his entourage up to the balcony. Tony thanked the Asgardians again, and they were whisked away back to their home from the exterior of the tower. Now alone, he returned to the cell where Loki now sat on the floor, staring down at his own hands.

Tony was quiet as he watched the black-haired god. That jet black hair had gotten much longer, and quite unruly. His sharp features were lined with dirt and what might have been dried blood, and he was skinnier than Tony remembered. His wrists and ankles were scuffed and calloused. The clothes he wore were not much more than some linen rags, dirty and full of holes. Tony frowned. The Asgardians must have treated him rather poorly. He was surprised at his own reaction of distaste - this man was the worst possible war criminal. He had tried to murder or enslave the entire universe. Why was he feeling pity towards such a man? Or, god? Regardless, having a malnourished, dirty, and unhappy test subject simply would not do for Tony. He engaged all the necessary safety protocols, opened the door, and stepped inside the chamber. Loki didn't look up from staring down at his hands, even when Tony approached him. He was careful, unsure of what the god could do even in a weakened state.

Tony's heart beat faster as he got closer to his new test subject. All the things he was dying to learn raced through his mind all at once, and he had to stop and calm himself before speaking. “Last time you were here we were beating the living shit out of each other.” He knelt down to Loki’s level, and the god looked up at him hesitantly. “I don't really wanna do that this time. But you’ve got to cooperate with me.” Tony stood back up and walked over to a small table he'd positioned against the wall.

Loki spoke for the first time. “What do you want from me?” His voice was smaller than Tony recalled. The bluster and grandiose speaking manner the god used to have was missing.

“I want to know a couple things that I can't learn any other way. See, after your little stunt here on this planet, I realized something. Earth is horribly unprotected. If another group like the Chitauri decided to come pay us a visit, we'd be screwed.” Tony fingered through the pages of a book laying on the table. "I'm trying to build a force field. Something we can put all the way around Earth, like a bubble, that would protect us from anything that might try to come down here. It’s a tall order, but I think it’s something we can achieve.” 

Loki averted his eyes. “What are you going to do?” he asked. Tony detected a hint of fear in his voice. What had the Asgardians done to him to make him like this?

Tony paced across the room, thinking out loud. “I’ve got a couple things in mind. I want to test your magic to see if we can harness it here. I want to know how the system works, if there’s a type of energy we can wrangle to power this force field...I won’t bore you with the details. I want to see if there's anything different about your physical make-up, too.” He stopped in front of Loki. “But first we’ve gotta clean you up. You're filthy. Come on.” He extended a hand to Loki, who still sat with his eyes averted. “Hey. _Mischief god_.”

Loki slowly looked up at Tony’s hand, and reached out to grab it. Tony wouldn't lie to himself - he liked the way Loki’s eyes shone with genuine fear. He had spent so many days and nights in torment over the things this man had brought to fruition; it was satisfying to see him cut down to size. Yet, he still felt a twinge of pity for him. If he was being honest with himself, he wasn't entirely sure _what_ he felt.

He pulled Loki to his feet, noticing how light the god really was, and how slender his hand felt. He wondered if gods could starve, and made a note in the back of his mind to make sure to test that at some point. He led Loki to the corner of the large room, where there was a small bathroom. It didn't have a door, but was closed off to give Loki a semblance of privacy. He needed Loki to feel as if he was more than just a prisoner, otherwise it would be difficult to gain his cooperation for testing.

Loki moved slowly towards the bathroom. He seemed unstable on his feet, like he would collapse any minute. Tony led him by the arm to try and provide some support.

Loki stumbled, stammered out something like an apology, then buckled at the knees and fell to the floor. 

“What’s up? Legs don't work?” Tony tried helping Loki back to his feet. Being this close, he realized the god absolutely reeked of filth and the faint scent of copper.

“...Traveling, it was...” Loki attempted to form a response, but chose to catch his breath instead. Tony half-carried him the rest of the way to the bathroom. The Asgardians had warned him that Loki would be quite weak. He’d been cuffed in a set of shackles that inhibited his magic power, yet a lack of magic apparently made the journey from Asgard quite rough on the body and mind. Tony didn’t really understand, but he didn’t question it.

Inside the bathroom was a toilet, shower, and sink, plus some basic necessities. Tony sat Loki down on the toilet lid. “If you can barely walk, you probably can't take a shower, huh. That's fine. You can take a bath.” He drew up a bath for Loki, who sat with his chin in his hands, elbows resting on his knees.

“Can you, uh...handle the rest?” Tony asked awkwardly. Loki peered at him. “The bath, I mean.” Loki said nothing. Tony threw up his hands in the air. “Look, man, you’ve gotta talk. I don’t know what your people did to you up there in god-land, but I’m not gonna hurt you. Not intentionally, at least. Now come on. I can’t have you looking like…” He combed his eyes over Loki’s grimy figure. “...That.”

Loki stood, then stumbled, and was caught by Tony before he fell. Tony sighed, realizing he would have to help the god out. He held him steady while the man undressed, awkwardly trying to touch as little skin as possible while still keeping him on his feet, eyes averted from the god’s now-naked body as he stepped into the tub and laid down.

Seeing the god of mischief this way was conflicting for Tony. It was hard not to feel pity when he saw the man so weak and frail. Yet, he knew what Loki had done, and almost felt a sense of satisfaction that he’d gotten his just dues. But what exactly had the Asgardians done to Loki? The question nagged him in the back of his mind, but he knew he would only get silence if he asked. Tony had to wonder, too, was this all just an elaborate act put on by the god, in an attempt to gain freedom? He settled to pity the fallen god, since he was confident in his ability to keep him confined within this cell.

Tony grabbed a brush and began to gingerly comb through Loki’s raven hair, being careful not to pull too hard on any of the knots. He washed it for him, too. He felt a little silly doing all this, but he shrugged off the feeling. He couldn’t leave Loki alone, lest he attempt to drown himself, and the man was far too weak to adequately clean himself to Tony’s standards.

As Tony rinsed the suds from Loki’s hair, the man leaned back against the wall of the tub and let his head fall to one side, his eyelids slowly sliding shut. Tony sifted through the layer of bubbles to find the Asgardian prince’s hands, fishing each one out of the water to clean his bruised and scratched wrists. He noticed Loki’s breathing had slowed, and he had relaxed even further into the tub. He was...sleeping. 

Tony sat back and stared at his new test subject. He got that same stirring feeling in his chest that he'd felt when Nick first approved this request. Excitement, with something more. In the deepest corner of his mind, he knew that feeling was attraction. He was only willing to glance at the feeling in the peripherals of his consciousness, not allowing himself to confront or feel the emotion. This man is a murderer, he reminded himself. He deserves any punishment he receives. He didn’t quite manage to convince himself of that, but saying it made him feel better. He attempted to convince himself that ‘of course he would be attractive, he’s literally a god’ instead. He allowed Loki to rest while he tried to collect his thoughts.

***

Loki had been held in Avengers tower for a week now, and he was beginning to adjust to the new living space. Tony’s gentle treatment had worked, and the god was willing to cooperate with his research. Tony wasn’t willing to allow Loki to use his magic just yet; he wanted to build some trust between the two of them first. He didn’t know exactly what Loki was capable of, and it was far too much of a risk to allow him to use his magic so soon after arriving.

Tony instead focused his research on questions about the Asgardians and their neighbors. It was all valuable information, as Tony even considered some type of device that could open portals to the neighboring nine realms to reroute major threats. It didn’t seem to bother Loki too much to talk about his home and most of the other realms, but one realm in particular, Jotunheim, seemed to be off-limits for the god. While Tony appreciated no longer having to pity the prince as he returned to his old self, Tony’s research became much more difficult as Loki became less inclined to answer his questions readily.

“Why won’t you tell me anything about this Jotunheim place?” Tony massaged the bridge of his nose. He’d been at this for a number of hours now, and he was determined to finally pull some kind of answer out of Loki.

“I do not want to talk about it.”

“I don’t care. Tell me what you know about the place. You're here for my research. I’m gettin’ real sick of this back and forth. You’re gonna tell me, or I’m gonna have to make you tell me.”

Loki paused, weighing his options. He leaned in closer to Tony and gave him a sneer. “I’d like to see you try.”

Tony made his way slowly towards the door of the cell. “Fine! Alright. Yeah, that’s totally fine.”

Loki eyed him warily. “Where are you going?”

“Oh! I just realized.” Tony clapped his hands together. “I haven’t shown you all the capabilities of this little chamber here yet, have I?” He made his way out the door, putting in a pair of ear plugs as he went. “Jarvis, can you show our friend here the new protocol we made up?”

“Of course sir,” Jarvis responded.

The ear-splitting frequency rang through the lower level. Loki was paralyzed almost immediately, his face frozen in a mixture of agony and shock. Tony cut the noise after a few seconds, any longer and Loki’s eardrums would rupture. He strode back into the room where the god was curled up on the floor, hands around his ears. He would stay paralyzed for a short while thanks to the unique frequency of the sound. Tony rolled Loki’s stiff figure over to look him in the eyes.

“Listen, godling. I’m not fucking around with this. Don’t forget your place.” He took a step back as Loki started to regain control of his body. “They wanted me to make absolutely sure you wouldn't be leaving this cell. That's just one of the preparations I made to keep you here.” Tony paused, then flashed a smirk. “So. Want to tell me about Jotunheim now?” Tony peered down at the Asgardian. He didn’t exactly care about Jotunheim all that much, but he needed to establish this relationship with Loki. Tony was the warden, and Loki was the prisoner. He had to make sure Loki understood that well.

Loki slowly put his hands up in a surrender pose. “Alright. I’ll tell you whatever you want to know. Just, please, don’t do that again.”

Tony smiled. “Good. Now then…” he offered a hand to Loki and helped him up from the floor. “Tell me what you know.”

Loki spent the next hour or so describing in detail to Tony the circumstances of his birth, his parentage, and what exactly he thought about the place called Jotunheim. As he spoke, Tony realized why he hadn’t spoken about Jotunheim sooner. There was clearly an amount of trauma associated with it for Loki, and he seemed to harbor a deep hatred for the people there, considering they left him to die despite being the leader’s heir. In that regard, he felt that he almost had something in common with the god of mischief. As Loki spoke, Tony came to understand that the lives of these gods weren’t so much different from the lives of humans on Earth. They had their struggles, albeit many more of them, over their thousands of years of existence, and they had their faults. Tony almost felt bad for Loki, in a way. He had been cheated out of two thrones, pulled between two worlds, yet never really belonging in either. 

“So, let me get this all straight. You were left to die by your real dad, but this Odin guy, he found you, and he raised you, acting like your dad. But he lied to you, and didn’t tell you that you weren’t actually related to him. It sounds like you got daddy issues, if you ask me.” Tony had been pacing around the room while he listened, but now took a few steps towards Loki. “Maybe if you just...I don’t know, talked it out with your parents, or something-” His smartass comment was interrupted by Loki.

“Odin was never my father, and Frigga was never my mother. They raised me as their own, yet cast me out at the first sign I may not uphold their Asgardian values,” Loki spat. Tony could nearly feel the hatred emanating from the man’s body. “They cast me out!! Left me to rot in their dungeons while they frolicked and danced in my misery.” Loki’s voice wavered. He gritted his teeth and turned away from Tony. “ _They lied to me!! And yet they faulted ME!!_ ”

His shout echoed through the small space. Tony wasn’t sure what to say.

“Hey, look, prince. I-”

“ _I was never a prince!!_ ” Loki spun and lashed out at Tony with a clenched fist. The movement was incredibly quick, and caught Tony off guard. He took the full force of Loki’s knuckles on the cheek, staggering back and raising a hand to his face. A trickle of blood seeped from the corner of his mouth, and he looked at Loki, stunned.

The god looked sick, like he was about to throw up. “Tony. I- I’m sorry. I didn’t- I…” he backed away from Tony, tripping on the edge of the bed and nearly falling over.

Tony straightened up and wiped the blood from his mouth. The way Loki was acting now was incredibly out of character for him. Even when he had first arrived he rarely apologized. Tony clenched his fist in just the right way to allow the watch on his wrist to change shape, covering his arm in red and gold metal. He took two big steps across the room to the cowering god and seized him by the throat with this metal arm. He relished the way Loki’s eyes snapped open with panic.

Loki gasped and yanked at the fingers closed around his neck, to no avail. The look of regret faded from his face, replaced with that mischievous smirk, and he let out a short laugh. “My...temper, it sometimes...gets the better of me, my good sir…” he choked out through labored breaths.

Tony tightened his grip, knocking the smile off of Loki’s face. “Listen. I want to be nice to you. I don’t know what the fuck they did to you up in Asgard. But you tried to destroy this planet. I’ll tell you one thing for sure, I have no shortage of hatred for you. And I won’t hesitate to send you back up to your relatives.” He threw Loki away from him, letting him hit the floor with a thud. “Got it, buddy?”

Loki propped himself up on one elbow, and that same smirk crossed his face again. “Of course, Anthony.”

“Don’t fucking call me that.” Tony stormed out of the room.

He brooded upstairs, pacing back and forth in front of the massive windows. He wanted to go down there and really give Loki a piece of his mind. Let him feel the anger that had been stewing in him for the past couple years. He took a deep breath, and focused on _not doing that_. Tony had to wonder if the way he was feeling now meant that he was just another pawn in Loki’s grand game. Maybe Loki wanted Tony to lose control.

Tony knew that Loki was a master manipulator. Came along with the name of “god of mischief.” But Tony rarely found himself on the receiving end of manipulation, and it was unfamiliar territory for him. His presence and attitude typically warded off any attempts. Loki was one of the few people Tony had interacted with that seemed entirely immune to intimidation. And it was more than just an immunity, it was like he knew exactly how to steer every conversation the way he wanted. Must be another part of that “god of mischief” thing.

For all of Tony’s wits, he couldn’t get a read on Loki, especially in this setting. Loki always had some kind of secondary goal, but Tony couldn’t surmise what it could possibly be, other than escape. But he knew there was nowhere to hide. Loki wasn’t stupid enough to try to escape without a master plan in place. Yet, with all Tony knew, he could already have one. Tony sighed deeply; this was going to be an exhausting experience. Yet he still grinned, happy to have the work to keep his idle hands busy. He decided he would keep his guard up, and his eyes open.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs for this chapter: mention of needles/blood, alcoholism
> 
> Follow my fan acct on twitter! @starkkinnie

Loki was used to cages by this point. He’d been locked in more prison cells than he could count. And the one on Asgard was much worse than this one. They’d treated him well, at first. They lulled him into a false sense of security, even allowing his mother to project into the room to visit him every once in a while. And then she died. Because of the directions Loki gave. He blamed himself, and it broke him. He was a man of chaos. He shook up the universe and made things happen. Without chaos, things sat still for far too long. It was Loki’s job to bring that chaos; it was his destiny as the god of mischief. Loki's mere presence brought the aspect of chaos with it. Though sometimes that came with a price. If he wasn’t careful, things did not move the way he intended for them to move. Such is what happened with his mother. His silver tongue and skill with sorcery were his only weapons to control this chaos that followed him everywhere.

He had gotten used to keeping himself entertained, but it was harder in the Stark man’s tower. Something about Tony threw him off of his usual rhythm. Maybe it was the way that his honeyed words didn’t have any effect on the man. Maybe it was how he was captivated by Tony’s intellect and depth of personality. Or perhaps it had to do with the fact that the two of them were more similar than either man cared to admit. The hatred and trauma they had been burdened with were uniquely alike. There was something about Tony’s persona that invited and enjoyed the aspect of chaos, and it meshed well with Loki’s presence.

Tony had decided to leave Loki alone for some time after their recent scuffle. Loki cringed remembering the incident. He’d gotten so used to the treatment he received on Asgard, he expected the same in return from the man who now held him captive once more. He paced around his cell, and tried to keep himself occupied for a few days. Being alone with his thoughts had never been an issue, until now. His mind kept taking him back to the few things he didn’t want to think about. Being imprisoned. Having his pride and dignity stripped away by the people he once called family. The death of his mother. The breakdown he’d had in his cell after the incident. At some point, it became too much to bear. He made up his mind.

***

The next time Tony brought food down for Loki, he was waiting. Tony wordlessly opened the door and set it on the table, same as he always did. But this time, Loki extended a hand towards Tony.

“Wait."

Tony turned slowly and looked at the god.

“I...was hoping that maybe we could...talk.” Loki’s silver tongue turned to lead in his mouth.

“About what?” Tony crossed his arms. This was the reaction he had been seeking. He knew that leaving Loki alone would get to him eventually - he thrived on speaking.

“I wanted to apologize. For the other day. I didn’t mean to do that.”

“It’s fine. I think I made my point on the matter abundantly clear. Was there something else you needed to talk about?”

Loki was quiet for a moment. He sat down and rubbed his hands together in a worried motion. “Tony, do you...do humans...ever wish that you could just forget things?” 

This caught Tony by surprise. “Well, yeah. We've all got regrets. I can only imagine what yours are like.”

“It's not my own actions I wish to forget.”

Tony was perplexed. He sat down in one of the chairs. He couldn't tell if this was Loki attempting to fake being remorseful, or something deeper. “Go on.”

Loki sighed and wrung his hands. “Back in Asgard. The past few years. I…” he sniffed and tried to swallow past the lump in his throat. “The Asgardians. You wished to know what they did to me.”

Tony leaned forward, intrigued. “I mean, it’s not exactly necessary, but it'd be nice to know. Just for record keeping, professional purposes, you know.” They both knew that was a lie. Tony was curious beyond all belief. 

“They…” Loki cleared his throat. Tony could see tears shining in the corners of Loki’s eyes, being fought back by the mischievous god. “I was...mistreated in awful ways. Tortured day in and day out.” Tony could tell he desperately wanted to get this off his shoulders. “I wasn't even allowed the privilege of attending my mother’s funeral.” Loki paused. “I apologize. I doubt you care to pity me, after the things I've done to your realm. I just…”

“You just wanted to talk.”

The god was quiet for a moment. “Yes.” There was no point in lying.

“I get it, man. And I do care. Sort of. I want you to know I don't plan to treat you like that. But know that if you step out of line, I’m not gonna hesitate to cut you down to size. Got it?”

“I understand.”

“Hey, listen, I did want to talk to you about some...tests I wanted to conduct. On you.”

Loki cocked an eyebrow. “New tests?” 

“Yeah. Blood draws, tissue samples...medical stuff. I’ve got some colleagues that are gonna help me try to figure out if your god-body is any different than a normal human body.”

“Well then. Will you be starting those...today?”

Tony nodded. “Give me a minute.” From a compartment under the stairs, Tony retrieved a rolling table full of various pieces of medical equipment, all of which looked terrifying to Loki. 

“You're not going to stab me with those, are you?” He pointed at the needles.

“About that. Bad news, champ. I sorta am. But it'll barely hurt!” Tony shrugged. “You're a god, you can handle a needle or two.” Tony made all the necessary preparations, cleaned Loki's arm, and guided the needle into his vein with caring precision.

Loki grimaced and turned away from the arm with the needle in it. “Ouch. That is a rather unpleasant instrument.”

“What, do you want me to hold your hand? You're fine.”

“...Would you really?”

Tony turned to Loki, a bit surprised. Was he really asking? He had detected a hint of sincerity in Loki’s voice. Chuckling, he moved to the other side of the bed and slapped his palm into Loki’s, gripping his hand tightly. He gave it a shake. “I'm surprised a tiny needle is enough to hurt the god of mischief.”

Loki rolled his eyes, but his expression was soon taken over by a look of relief, and he let his head fall back against the pillows.

How strange, Tony thought. He could faintly feel the god’s heartbeat through his fingers. It was slow, a lot slower than his own. He had to resist the urge to slide his fingers along Loki's skin. It was so much softer than he anticipated, like silk in his hand. He completely lost sight of his work for a moment. His eyes left the container that was slowly filling with blood, and focused instead of the hand he now held. Loki had long nail beds, and his fingers were...pretty. Tony could think of no other word to describe it. Slender and delicate, yet Tony knew those hands could probably kill him at any moment if Loki so desired. The only thing protecting him was the fear he instilled in Loki. And even then, Loki was a god. Tony didn’t even know where the limits of a Norse god's capabilities lay.

Tony suddenly realized his own heartbeat had quickened, and he snatched his hand away, clearing his throat. Loki peered at him with a look of confusion, and slight disappointment, but he didn't say a word for the rest of the time the needle was in his arm.

Tony finished up quickly, bandaging Loki’s arm, and retreating from the room with some excuse about urgent work. Upstairs, he paced, trying to think of something - anything - to occupy his mind. He stared down at his hand. Loki’s fingers had felt so nice. His pale skin was soft and supple and _god_ , why was he thinking about this?! He tried to shake the image from his mind but he couldn't. He wasn't in control of his thoughts. An image started to conjure in his mind. Loki’s hands, his lithe, gentle fingers, wrapped around Tony’s-

Tony interrupted his own thought by slamming his fist against a counter, making the contents rattle. The impact stung, and his hand ached in response. God damn it. What was happening to him? He thought of Loki’s face, his sharp, defined features, those green eyes...he was incredibly attractive. Tony had always known he found the god of mischief to be easy on the eyes - he was a literal god, after all - but this was the first time he allowed himself to admit it. This was going to be a problem. He tried to take a step back, and focus on what the god had told him earlier in the day. About what happened to him on Asgard. The thought captured his attention immediately. Tony wasn't the best at picking out lies, but he could tell when he was being told a half-truth. And he could tell Loki was hiding the real story.

***

Tony had made some interesting finds with the blood he’d taken from Loki. He’d passed the findings on to a couple people he trusted would keep the whole “I’m keeping the god who tried to destroy Earth as a prisoner” thing under wraps, and they’d been immensely grateful for the opportunity to study the blood of a god-alien. They had found an abundance of a new element inside Loki’s blood, and they were fervently studying it now. It was unclear yet what the element did, or how it did it, but it likely related somehow to Loki’s ability to use magic - and live for about 6,000 years. They wondered if perhaps Loki needed a stronger heart to carry this new element through his veins. One friend in particular had asked for some readings of Loki’s heart, and Tony felt obligated to comply - after all, they were helping him keep a pretty big secret. 

Tony wheeled a small cart with the necessary equipment into the cell. Loki looked up from the book he’d been reading and stared at it, perplexed. “Now, what is _that_?”

Tony rapped a knuckle on the machine. “It’s called an EKG. It’s gonna monitor your heart and stuff.”

Loki cocked an eyebrow. “My heart...and stuff?”

“Well, yeah, mostly just the heart. You'll see. I’m not a doctor, but I know some doctors that wanted me to do this.” Tony started the process of getting the machine ready to use. Loki closed his book and walked over to it. Tony watched him in his peripherals. The god had regained his usual swagger, always walking like he owned the place. It made Tony feel both at ease and anxious seeing Loki return to his normal self. He knew it would spell trouble, but...he didn't mind the guy's presence.

“Alright. Lay down. And, uh, you gotta take your shirt off.” Tony felt his palms start to sweat. He felt nervous, but he wasn't sure why.

Loki’s face was untrusting, maybe even a little doubtful of the technology next to the bed. He slipped his green linen shirt over his head in a fluid motion. The Asgardians had been kind enough to send some clothing down after Tony had requested it, hoping that wearing his usual clothing might help the god feel more at home.

Tony turned to the now-shirtless god who was positioning himself on the crisp white sheets of the bed, and he felt his breath catch. He cleared his throat awkwardly and tried to avert his eyes. He swallowed hard, and focused his mind to the task at hand. He needed to place those little sticky pads on Loki’s chest. He managed to keep his hands steady, but his eyes wandered far more than they should have. Loki’s skin was very pale, almost porcelain. His jet black hair contrasted beautifully with this paleness. Tony had assumed Loki lost most of his muscle mass while imprisoned, but the god was still rather fit, chiseled, even, though more slender than Tony expected. The words "swimmer's body" came to mind. He finished placing the last pad, but he lingered for a moment, his eyes drawn to the area just above where Loki’s pants met his waist, and a most-unwelcome thought creeped into his head.

“Tony?”

His own name startled him. He looked up at Loki, who had lifted his head off the pillow to peer at Tony, concerned.

“Is everything alright?”

Tony realized he’d been staring for far longer than he should have.

“Y-yeah. Looks...looks good.” He cringed at his awkward answer.

Loki shrugged and laid back down.

The test went without incident. Tony was anxious to get it over with and flee back to the safety of his living room, where he could drown his thoughts. When it was done, he scurried out of the cell, with not so much as a word to Loki. 

He needed to figure out what to do about this, and he needed to figure it out fast. But he could barely think with the image of the god’s perfect body in his mind. It was nearly too much to bear, as if he wasn’t in control of his thoughts at all. It almost felt like...no. It wasn’t possible. Tony knew that the material in the cuffs around Loki’s wrists made it impossible for Loki to use any magic that affected others. Unless...had he made a mistake somewhere? Was there some factor he failed to account for? Why was he more nervous than a kid on a prom date when he was around the guy?

Tony tried to distract himself with other work for a while, but he couldn't keep his mind steady. He wanted to go down and confront Loki, and make him cease whatever magical spell he’d been casting on Tony. But if he was wrong, and Loki wasn’t using any magic...he’d be putting himself into a tough spot. It was times like these when he wished he could just turn to Pepper and ask her what to do.

His now-ex lover had left his side not long after being promoted to CEO of Stark Industries. The two had a working relationship, but Pepper wasn’t able to handle dating a superhero. That, and she also happened to fall for Maya Hansen. The two were a fantastic match, Tony had to admit. He was devastated at first, especially by the idea of Pepper being with someone else, but he honestly couldn't blame her. He was hard to love. And his line of work meant that whenever Pepper said goodbye to Tony, she never knew if it might be the last time she saw her lover alive.

He had rarely been there for her when she needed it. In fact, he was rarely there at all. Always occupied by some project or mission. He didn’t show her the love and compassion she wanted or needed. Thinking about it now, he harbored a deep sense of guilt over their relationship. He had constantly put her in harm's way, without fail. It wasn’t always his fault, but he was guilty by proxy. He never did enough to protect her, and she was never his most important asset. She meant the world to him, but you’d never have guessed it from the things he did. It wasn’t that he was a bad guy, he just simply did not have room in that metal-tainted heart of his for a lover - or, so it felt.

With Pepper out of the picture, and all of his closest friends off on their own important missions, Tony was left feeling pretty damn lonely sometimes. He had to admit, having Loki as company was a welcome change. But he felt like there was so much unsaid between them, so much to discover. He desperately wanted to know what happened to Loki on Asgard. Were they able to break him, somehow? Could he use that knowledge to his advantage? Tony’s mind was loud with thoughts, all of them talking over one another. He strode over to the counter and poured himself a glass of whiskey. He hadn't realized his hands were shaking until he spilled some on the counter. Tony downed the drink faster than usual, a knot of guilt forming in his stomach behind the warm fuzzy feeling of the alcohol. He’d already struggled with alcoholism once before, an addiction he found hard to break. He leaned on it far too much, “one a day to relax” became “at least one a day or I'll be so miserable I'll want to die” so subtly he had barely noticed until it was a challenge to stop. Tony never really managed to break free of the addiction, and he frequently drank as an escape from the difficulties of his life - and to drown the memories he didn't want. He was far too proud to see a therapist, so he dealt with his panic attacks over New York his own way.

Lost in his thoughts, he touched his left arm. A few button presses retracted the nanobots into their metal and silicone housing, letting him gaze at his prosthetic body part. It was disgusting yet poetic to Tony. As he fell from the wormhole back in New York, his left forearm hadn't made it out before the hole closed. So he lost it. The injury was a gruesome looking one, and Tony preferred to keep it covered up with a new type of nanobot technology he had created specifically to obscure it from others, and allow him to still look like the perfect human he used to think he was. With a pull and a grimace, he detached the arm. Nebulous purple and blue patches covered the skin around his elbow, right up to the stump where his forearm used to be. It was almost like the horrific vastness of space had been permanently burned into him, a reminder of his humanity and mortality - and how he was slowly losing it, one piece at a time. He didn't usually like to look at it, but the alcohol made it a little easier to take in. 

He thought of Loki again. He thought of the other day, when the god had asked him if he ever regretted things. He hadn't given a straight answer, and he completely brushed off Loki’s attempt to confide in him. Tony cringed a bit. Why had he been so uncaring? His mind got loud again. Of course he’d be uncaring, the man was a literal murderer who tried to enslave the entire human race. But he felt guilty. Tony scoffed at himself, eyeing the empty glass in his hand. It's not like his heart was too big - he barely had one, and it was full of shrapnel. He wasn't even fully human anymore. Why should he care at all what Loki had to say?

Asking himself that question, it was like he had been working on a puzzle with one piece missing, yet the missing piece was in his hand the whole time. He shook his head and tossed that metaphorical puzzle piece over his shoulder. No. Of course he didn't like Loki. That was completely impossible. The things Loki had done made him fundamentally unlikable. Tony would never fall for someone so despicable, so evil, so deserving of every crime brought upon him. Right?

“Right.” He poured himself another drink, and put his arm back on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some timeline clarification: this takes place after the events of Iron Man 3 and Thor: The Dark World, but with major canon divergence. Maya Hansen survived in IM3. Tony never got surgery to have the shrapnel removed from his heart. His panic attacks didn’t disappear with movie magic - he still has PTSD. The events of T:TDW played out similarly, but Loki didn’t fake-die, and was put back in his cell after helping Thor. This fic takes place relatively soon after the ending of TDW.
> 
> I'm sure the medical procedures I talked about in this were wildly inaccurate but whatever, it's a fanfiction!!
> 
> I've been absolutely LOVING the creation of this fic. I was going to wait a little longer to release this chapter, but I finished it a few days ago so I figured I'd just post it lmao. I hope you all enjoyed the read! Expect chapter 3 to be out within the next week. Things will start to get saucy soon I promise. <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Songs I listened to while writing this chapter:  
> Daylight - Joji  
> Slow Dancing In The Dark - Joji  
> Blinding Lights - The Weeknd  
> End Love - OK GO  
> Sunflower - Post Malone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs: description of a panic attack, alcohol, suicidal ideation
> 
> Follow my fan acct on twitter! @starkkinnie

“Hey hey, Loki, what’s goin’ on, prince?” Tony burst into Loki’s room bright and early in the morning. The god hadn’t been sleeping - Tony had only seen Loki sleep a handful of times in the past two weeks. Tony hadn’t slept, either. He didn’t do much of that these days. The nightmares pulled him out of bed so often that even a full night of sleep wasn’t typically very restful. He’d gotten used to it, at some point. Although you never really get used to not sleeping.

Loki was sitting on the edge of his bed, his hands tangling through his jet-black hair. Tony watched for a moment. The god’s lithe fingers expertly worked through the strands as he braided small sections tightly. Tony had seen a similar style of braid in Thor’s hair.

Tony wasn’t dejected by Loki’s lack of a response to his greeting, and spoke again anyway. “Do a lot of people braid their hair up in Asgard? I thought Thor’s hair was braided a couple of the times I saw the guy.” 

“Yes, they do. The men far more often than the women.” Loki continued to wrap strands of hair around each other.

Tony sat down next to Loki on the bed. The god side-eyed him with a look of annoyance. 

“Why just the men? It’s...sort of the opposite down here on Earth.”

“It helps keep the hair out of one’s face during battle. I’ve never been all that interested in battle, so I never bothered.”

Tony raised an eyebrow. “Are you trying to say you’re interested now?”

Loki stopped the movement of his hands and turned his head towards Tony’s questioning gaze. He looked the man up and down, gave a wry smile, and looked away without a word.

Tony inhaled, and stood up from the bed. “You know, I believe that was a threat. What you just did there. Are you threatening me?” He loosely pointed a finger at the god.

“Never, sir,” Loki smirked.

Tony smiled back. He paced the room as he spoke. “You know, I feel like you’ve told me a lot about the nine realms and whatnot, but I don’t really know anything about Asgard itself. You know, like the people there. The culture.”

Loki finished a braid, and ran his fingers along the length of hair. “It’s not an awfully exciting place. And I didn’t get to see much of it the last I was there. But what is it that you’d like to know?”

“How primitive is the society? Do you have showers, running water?” He folded his arms.

“...Yes, we have running water, Tony. And we take showers. It’s not at all...what was the word you just used? _Primitive?_ ”

“Eh, yeah, sorry.” He raised his arms in a shrug. “Can you really blame me though? I don’t even know what the place looks like. It’s not exactly like I’ve got a vacation home up there.”

“And you likely wouldn’t. Mortals are not rightly permitted on Asgard. For good reason.”

“And...what is that reason, exactly? What, you people too good for us?”

“Tony. It’s a different _realm_. Nothing there would be the same as it is here in Midgard. Even time itself runs a little differently.”

“Huh. Sounds interesting. I’d love to visit some day. And about the hair, you said the ladies don’t usually braid their hair, right? What do they do with it then?”

“They...usually put their hair up in these big, pillowy mounds. I always thought it looked quite ridiculous, really.” Loki chuckled.

“Interesting, interesting. Say, you’re almost always awake when I come down here. Do you need sleep? You do look a little tired.” He studied the god’s face.

“I do need sleep.” Loki’s fingers brushed through his hair again as he started another braid. “But the days on Asgard are much longer than the ones here, and I find myself only needing sleep every few Earth days. And...what exactly is the point of all this questioning, may I ask?”

Tony opened his arms. “Come on, can’t a guy just be interested in another man’s culture? Asgard sounds amazing, from what you’ve told me!”

“Amazing is not quite the word I would use to describe it. And I am not a man, I am a god. Refer to me as such.”

“ _Pssh._ ” Tony stood in front of Loki, hands in his pockets. “You’re just like us, buddy. I know you don’t wanna admit it, but it’s true.” He rocked back on his heels. “Gods, men...we live and we die.” He turned away, paused, then spun back around to face Loki. “Wait, you _can_ die, right?”

“If the death of my mother was not enough evidence, yes, I can die,” Loki hissed.

“See? Then you’re not even immortal. Gods have to be immortal to be _real_ gods.”

Loki shot him a look of disdain, and started a new braid. “Perhaps.” He refused to take the bait.

Tony was suddenly captivated by the way the god’s fingers moved so briskly through his hair. He’d clearly done this many times, judging by how quickly he performed the process. “You…” staring at those long, slender fingers made his mind feel foggy. He cleared his throat and blinked. “You braid your hair a lot?”

“I never liked long hair.” Loki’s fingers continued to work through his strands. Tony watched intently, his eyes flicking back and forth between Loki’s face and those fingers of his. “But after my failure here, after...New York.” Loki’s eyes darted to Tony’s face just as the man started to tense up. “I grew it out while I was in confinement, and I realized...I like it.”

Tony had stopped listening by the end of Loki’s sentence. New York. It was like a waking phrase to him sometimes. Bruce had called it a “trigger,” whatever that meant. And hearing it out of Loki’s mouth...well, that was simply a recipe for disaster. He could feel his heart rate start to increase, and beads of sweat formed on his palms. _Just breathe. You just have to breathe,_ he told himself. His ears were ringing and he could feel his rising heartbeat in his mouth. He tried to suck in a slow breath, but his breathing was already too shaky to control.

“Y-Yeah, Loki. Totally. It, um...it looks gr-great.” He tried to hold it together but he simply couldn’t. He started heading for the door. “Look, I’ve gotta…I- listen, I’m-” His vision blurred. He could see it in front of him, like it was happening all over again. It wasn’t physically right there, but it occupied his mind so convincingly, he believed - if only for a moment - he was back in his suit. Carrying the nuke through that wormhole. He felt sick. His knees trembled and his legs started to give way. He half-fell to the ground, not even noticing the pain as his tailbone impacted the hard floor. “Oh god, not again.”

Loki’s hands came off of his braid as he watched the man come undone. “Anthony? Oh, dear. Have you been poisoned?” He cocked his head, but made no attempt to help Tony.

Tony almost wanted to laugh. The cruel irony of Loki’s words made his face twist into a sickened smile. “No. I thought so. When...when this happened. The first time.” The moment of humor was immediately blackened by his thoughts. He gasped, and his mind was wrenched back to New York. His eyes glazed over, seeing nothing other than that horrifying expanse of the universe through the eyes of his metal suit. It was a deep sense of fear and hatred that washed over him. He wanted to jump at Loki and grab him by the windpipe until the god no longer breathed. But he also wanted to tuck his head between his knees and scream. But he couldn’t make his body do either.

Loki had been unconcerned at first, but he showed some sense of anxiety as Tony’s state seemed to worsen. “Erm, are you going to be alright?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll be fine. I just-” He drew a shaky breath through his words. “I...no. I’m not...I’m not gonna be alright. Oh, god, I’m going to die.” Tony looked up at Loki. Tears threatened to fall from his brown eyes, which were wide with panic. “We’re all gonna die. I should have done more and I know, I know I just- I need to do more, I can’t- I’m trying to protect the Earth but I can’t _fucking_ figure it out and I-” The tears in his eyes started to stream down his weathered face. 

Loki’s expression was drenched in pity. “Stark.” He stood up from the bed and loomed over Tony.

Tony kicked off the ground with his feet, sliding himself backwards, away from the god. “You...You f-fucking stay away from me!” He raised his left hand towards Loki, bracing his elbow with his other arm. The hand smoothly transformed into the familiar red metal he was so used to, the repulsor aimed towards Loki. He’d hoped he would be able to hide the loss of his limb from Loki, but he forgot to wear his watch today, and had no other method of defense.

Loki raised his hands in surrender. “Tony! Tony, listen to me. I don’t wish to harm you. Please, don't fire that thing.”

Tony’s eyes darted around the room. His vision was blurred by tears and his dilated pupils took in too much light. Breaths came to him in quick ragged gasps, and a sheen of sweat shone on his skin. He felt like he might throw up. “It’s all my fault. They’re all gonna die, too. I can’t protect...I can’t protect them,” He rambled. He looked Loki in the eyes, who was keeping his distance.

“An-...Tony, listen to me.” Loki raised his voice a bit so he could be heard over Tony’s babbling and crying. “It’s fine, Tony. You’re here. You’ll be alright.” He took a few short steps closer. “Look at me.”

Tony’s face was wet with tears and sweat. His manic eyes settled on Loki. He managed to hold his gaze there for a moment, and felt his racing heart slow a bit. He realized his metallic arm was still pointed at the god, and he slowly forced himself to lower it.

Loki inched closer, until he was within reaching distance. He extended a hand in Tony’s direction. “It’s alright. I’m here. Just touch my hand.” Tony’s breathing had changed to hyperventilating gasps, and his face was twisted into an ugly expression of panic. “Just do your best to breathe.”

Tony reached out his shaking metal hand towards Loki’s outstretched palm. Though the sight of the god once instilled panic in the man, he now was a sign of comfort. Tony normally had to go through these alone. He had nobody to lean on when this happened, other than Jarvis, who wasn’t much help in the emotional stress department. This time, he had someone there to talk him off the ledge. And he was incredibly thankful. His metal fingers touched Loki’s hand, and the feeling of human skin was electric. It instantly calmed Tony a bit.

“Good, good.” Loki gave Tony a warm smile. “You’ll be okay.”

Tony _wanted_ to say something, anything, to the god. He wanted to tell him this was so out of character for him. He wanted to ask why he was being so friendly when Tony wanted to punch him so bad. He wanted to ask what he could possibly have to gain by being kind to Tony in his weakened state. But right now, he simply appreciated the comfort of another human’s touch, and he wasn’t about to take it for granted. He opened his mouth to speak and found his voice lost in a series of gasping sobs that still wracked his body.

“It’s alright. You don’t have to say anything.” Loki moved closer to Tony, kneeling beside him and placing a hand on his shoulder. “Should I...get something for you? Do you need water or something?” Although the god’s usual snarky tone was still there, Tony could somehow tell he was being sincere. It was strange - he felt like he almost really _knew_ the god. It was as if he could tell that Loki genuinely cared about him in this moment.

Tony shook his head in response to Loki’s question. His breathing began to slow, though he still gasped for air through a clenched jaw. His whimpers released in the form of a sigh, the sound getting caught in the back of his throat. Panic started to rise within him once again as he thought once again about the wormhole. Tony’s rapidly shifting eyes looked over at Loki, and his hand shot out to grab a fistful of the god’s sleeve. The two made eye contact and Tony felt like he might drown in those green eyes.

All at once, Tony’s brain was flooded with the chemicals that he’d needed about, say, five minutes ago when he had first heard the words _New York_. Better late than never, he guessed. His panic morphed into anguish and sadness. The tears began to flow again and his face twisted up as he started to sob. Without thinking, he put his hand behind Loki’s back and pulled the god closer so he could nestle his head in the man’s chest. Loki was startled by Tony’s sudden movement, but he didn’t push Tony away. He shifted to make Tony’s position easier, and placed a hand gently on the back of his head, letting his fingers run through Tony’s hair. Tony tightened his hands into fists on Loki’s shirt as he cried.

Loki’s body was warm, and his clothes smelled lovely. Tony tried his best to focus on these two things - he was here, now, and he would live. He managed to calm himself to a reasonable level with his head in the god’s chest. He regained control over his breathing, and managed to squeak out an “I’m sorry.” They sat that way for a while. Tony couldn’t tell if it was five seconds or five hours, he was simply happy to have another person to hold for the first time in a long time. His affinity for one night stands had ended when he lost his arm, and he had been so incredibly lonely, as much as he loathed to admit it.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry Lokes. I didn’t...I’d hoped you wouldn’t see this.” He breathed the words pathetically into Loki’s shirt.

“Lokes?” Loki’s tone was warmer than Tony had ever heard before.

“Yeah. Just a...nickname. Thought you’d like it more than reindeer games. Or rock of ages.” Tony brought a hand up to wipe his face, though he kept his forehead pressed against Loki’s torso. He managed a smile through the tears.

Loki let a puff of air out of his nose. It almost sounded like a laugh to Tony. “It’s just fine.”

As Tony’s mind returned to its normal state, he felt that familiar wash of embarrassment and shame at what had just happened. He took stock of his situation, and quickly pulled his head back from Loki’s chest. The two made eye contact, and Tony searched Loki’s face for some indication that his reputation had not been permanently tarnished. Loki’s poker face gave nothing away, though Tony could faintly detect the hint of a smirk on his lips. Tony realized his hands were still clasped around the god’s shirt, and he hastily unclenched his fists. 

Tony and Loki both looked at each other, then Tony’s arm, then back to each other. Loki spoke first. “I’m guessing that’s...part of why you’re like this now.”

Tony felt deflated by Loki’s wording, but he was correct. “I mean. Yeah. Among...other things.” The corner of his mouth lifted in a half-smirk. “Ah, well. I was hoping I could have kept it a secret for a little longer. Plus the whole ‘severe panic attacks’ thing. I was hoping that could stay a secret, too. Would have been nice.”

“Well, your secret is safe with me, Stark. I don’t exactly have all that much company around here.”

Tony patted Loki’s shoulder and stood up. He swayed, then steadied himself. His vision sparkled with stars, and he felt like he may topple over at any moment. “Well, you’ve got me, right? Crazy, half-cyborg, traumatized billionaire. What better company is there?”

Loki stood and straightened out his shirt, which had been stretched in the places Tony had grabbed.

Tony made an apologetic face. “I’ll get that dry cleaned. Better yet, I’ll get you a new one.”

Loki chuckled. “It’s alright, Tony. But...are you really okay?”

Tony shrugged. “I guess I’ve been worse.”

“You know, I’ve had to deal with those too.”

Tony raised an eyebrow and stared at Loki. “That right?” His vision started to blacken on the edges, and he placed a hand against the wall to steady him.

“Yes, Stark. Gods have minds too. And we’re not immune to everything.”

“But, you’re saying you get _panic attacks?_ Really? Damn it Loki, what did they do to you on Asgard? What are you hiding from me!?” Tony balled his hands into fists. He felt a wave of dizziness alongside a second wave of adrenaline.

Loki’s face was sympathetic, but he averted his gaze. “I don’t think that now is the best time to tell you.”

Jarvis came over the speakers, startling both of them. “Sir, your vital signs are repeating patterns typical of a fainting spell for you. I would recommend sitting down.”

“God fucking damn it.” Tony felt a deep sickness in the pit of his stomach as another wave of dizziness hit him. He grabbed his stomach and doubled over, reaching out towards Loki. The god grabbed him by the armpits and held him steady. Tony gritted his teeth and pointed his finger at the god, gearing up to give him a piece of his mind. 

He only managed to get out a “listen up,” before his eyelids became unbearably heavy, and his legs gave way underneath him. He was unconscious before he even hit the floor.

***

Tony awoke with a start, taking a gasping breath as his eyes snapped open. He was in Loki’s room. The sun had gone down, and the room was lit by a warm white glow. Tony’s memory took a moment to catch up with him. When he remembered what had happened, he jerked upright. His head pounded as the worst possible scenarios buzzed through his mind all at once. He looked around the room for Loki, and noticed him sitting casually in a chair, a book open on his lap, one leg crossed over the other. He snapped the book shut.

“You’re up.”

Tony moved his limbs, taking stock of his body. He felt heavy with fatigue, but he couldn’t feel any injuries. “What’d you do to me?” The words came out somewhat slurred.

“I didn’t do a thing. You lost consciousness, so I put you there, and I came over here to read.”

Tony realized he was laying on Loki’s bed. He swung his legs off the side and stood up, shaky on his feet. “There’s no way you didn’t do anything while I was out. There’s no way. I know you did something.” He pointed a trembling finger at Loki. “Jarvis, what did he do?”

Jarvis’s voice came through the speakers. “Sir, I’ve been watching him closely. Rest assured, he placed you on the bed, and did not touch you after that. I do not detect any anomalies in your vital signs, either.”

Tony lowered his accusing finger and scoffed. “Whatever.” He was furious with himself. Allowing himself to be put in such a compromising position, in front of the test subject he needed to keep imprisoned at all costs. It made his blood boil. He ran a hand over his face and took a breath. “I’m...sorry.” He wasn’t sure if he was apologizing to Loki or himself.

“No need to apologize, Anthony.” Loki smirked.

Tony opened his mouth to correct him, but he let it go. He didn’t have the energy for an argument. “I need a damn drink.” Loki’s eyes followed him as he stormed towards the door.

“Tony.”

He stopped with his hand on the door.

“It’s alright.” Loki dropped the usual bluster from his voice. “ I...understand.”

Tony didn’t say anything back. He headed up the stairs, his body heavy as he went. His mind raced so quickly it made his head pound even harder. The man’s hands worked automatically to pour himself a drink. He downed it, and set it on the counter, gripping the glass with his left hand. Thoughts swirled in his head and he struggled to pick one to focus on. 

_Another fucking panic attack. Right in front of Loki._ Jesus christ. Tony’s jaw clenched as his memory started to piece together the few parts it had stored of the incident. The way he’d touched Loki as he cried...Tony jumped at the sound of shattering glass. He looked down to see the glass he’d been holding crushed to pieces by his metal arm. It was still clad in those red and gold colors he’d become so accustomed to. He swallowed the shout of frustration that wanted to leave his lips.

He never asked for any of this. If only he’d never created that first suit. If only he hadn’t been captured. If only he’d allowed himself to be killed in that cave. If only he’d ridden with Rhodes. If only he’d cared more about others. If only he hadn’t been Howard Stark’s son. If only his father had cared about him a little bit more. If only he hadn’t been born in the first place. None of this would be happening to him.

 _Hero._ People loved to call him that. He was no fucking hero. He took another swig, not even bothering to grab a glass this time, just drinking straight out of the bottle. Legs still unsteady, he stumbled out the doors to the balcony. The breeze was cool tonight, and it chilled his still-damp skin. 

He almost wanted to laugh. The situation he was in was so ridiculous it almost didn't seem real. The god of mischief, in his basement, playing the part of a test subject. And Tony, caught up in it of his own accord, slowly becoming addicted to the presence of the god. 

Tony drew a deep breath of the city air. Having a panic attack was almost a relief to Tony, in a sense. He felt like a tea kettle. Every day wound him up a little bit more, and he would build up steam, until he felt like he would burst from the stresses of daily life. Then he’d panic, and it would be like blowing the lid off the kettle. It would be loud and painful and sharp at first, but once it was over, it was over. No more steam. No more pressure. He could think clearly again for a while until the steam started to build again.

New thoughts came to him naturally in this moment of clarity. Loki. He never stopped thinking about the guy, he only covered up his thoughts with other distractions. And no matter how many excuses he made for himself, he couldn’t hide from the truth forever. He knew there was something special about Loki, besides the whole “god” thing. The way he moved, the way he carried himself, the way he spoke. It was all ideal in Tony’s mind. Under normal circumstances, he would have already picked out Loki at some event, and sweet-talked him into coming home with him. But these weren’t normal circumstances, and Loki was anything but normal to Tony now. He almost wished he could just give Loki back to Asgard. The thought made a sense of anxiety crawl down his spine, and his shoulders heaved with a heavy sigh. He wished he could just give Loki back, try his best to forget about him, and move on. This type of romance was far too complicated for someone like Tony. 

_Romance?_ Was that really what he was going to call his relationship to Loki now? He stared down at the front of his massive tower. He raised his arm and waved at a photographer that was aiming his camera up at the building. The tiny figure of the guy staggered back in shock, then started waving back excitedly. Tony smiled. Things had been so much simpler before New York. Before he knew of gods and different realms, aliens and magic and the true vastness of an infinite universe. He knew simpler wasn’t always better, but he longed for it with a bittersweet nostalgia. 

Usually it felt like the answers came to him automatically. He had a brilliant mind, he knew that, and it was an engineer’s mind, no less. Finding solutions to problems was kind of his whole gig. But he couldn’t engineer his way through relationships, and Tony found this to be where he faltered most of the time. So he cut himself off from others. He closed his heart to keep himself safe. He cocooned himself inside of a tin can. But Loki...Tony’s brow furrowed. It felt like Loki had managed to breach those defenses somehow. And Tony didn’t know whether to laugh, cry, or run. He decided to sleep instead, and pretend like nothing was wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I have experienced panic attacks due to PTSD. Tony’s experience in this fic is based directly off of my own experience with how I feel before, during, and after a flashback-induced panic attack. I apologize to any readers that feel as if it doesn't match their personal experience, but remember, our experiences are all unique. Love you guys <3 Thank you for reading!! Next chapter is gonna get a lil saucy ;)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Songs I listened to while writing this chapter:  
> Tool-Assisted Speedcore - Kobaryo  
> 2K FREESTYLE - Lazy3x  
> Bookmaker - Kobaryo  
> ARIES - Water Spirit  
> Crisis - Jasiah

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs: blood, violence
> 
> Follow my fan acct on twitter! @starkkinnie

Tony’s sleep had been troubled and restless. He had gotten up early, not because he was ready to face the day or anything, but because there was no point in trying to sleep any longer - he knew he wouldn’t fall back asleep. His feet carried him into the bathroom where he performed his usual morning rituals. For a moment, he stopped to examine his face in the mirror. There were broken blood vessels around his tired eyes, a memento of his crying session yesterday. 

He ran the shower and stripped down, and waited for the water to warm. In his peripherals, in the reflection of the mirror, he could see the purplish hue of the stump that used to be an arm. He didn’t like to look at it directly, lest it trigger a memory. Morning showers were always the hardest part of the day, when it was most difficult for him to pretend it wasn't there. This morning, as he stood under the running water, he contemplated the prosthetic, and whether or not there was some way he could improve it to make it wearable all the time.

He finished his shower and dried off, then affixed the prosthetic to his arm. Just below the skin on his elbow he’d implanted an electromagnet that would hold the arm to his body until he turned it off. It was strong enough to withstand forces that would rip even a real arm from its body. The arm was incredibly complex, and the technology he’d used to make it - as well as the way he prevented the magnet from simply ripping through his skin - was almost immediately adopted by prosthetic manufacturers globally after Tony publicized the blueprints. He tried to hold on to that fact at times, to remind himself that at least one good thing resulted from his disability.

The nanobots that controlled the appearance of it were housed within the arm itself. They could be released on Tony’s command to obscure the red and gold nitinol the arm was actually made out of, to create a lifelike, realistic arm that was impossible to distinguish from the real thing. Appearance wise, it was perfect. But it was still cold to the touch, lacking the warmth and heartbeat of a human arm. As for the hand, Tony controlled it with a chip that he'd had implanted into his brain. This allowed for zero lag between the moment Tony wanted to move his arm, and when it moved. It was seamless, and when Tony wore it, he almost forgot it wasn’t real flesh and blood.

He made breakfast, and tiptoed down the stairs to Loki’s cell. The god was actually sleeping this morning, an unusual occurrence. Tony entered the room quietly, and put the plate on the table. As he moved to leave, he glanced at Loki, still sound asleep. He looked rather peaceful. It wasn’t a position Tony got to see him in very often, and his eyes drank it in. Loki was on his side, the covers pulled up tight around his chin. His black hair fanned out behind him, contrasting nicely with the bright white sheets. Tony imagined the scene as an oil painting. _I’d hang that on my wall. ‘The god of mischief sleeps,’_ he thought to himself with a smile.

His day started out fine, and slowly devolved as time passed. He tried tinkering with a few ongoing projects, but none of them were agreeing with him today. Problem after problem arose as he worked, and his frustration started to build. To make matters worse, memories of yesterday’s incident kept barging into his head. By lunch time, he was in a shitty mood, and had abandoned any hope of getting any actual work done today. He brought lunch down to Loki and found the god on the floor in the center of the room, sitting cross-legged with his eyes closed. Tony knocked to announce his presence, and entered the room. “Hey, prince.”

Loki’s eyes opened and gazed up at Tony. “Good morning.”

Tony gestured towards the new plate on the table. “Food. Lunch. Hey, I’ve been meaning to ask, can you starve?”

Loki stood up and raised an eyebrow, side-eyeing Tony. “Excuse me?”

“Can you starve. Y’know. Like, would you die if you didn’t eat. If I didn’t feed you.” He asked again, wording it like a statement.

“Yes, Tony. I can starve.” Loki rolled his eyes.

“‘Kay. Just checkin’.”

There was an awkward pause as the two of them both searched for something to say.

“Listen, I wanted to apologize.” Tony spoke first. “I shouldn’t have been down here yesterday. When that was happening. I should have just...walked out the door. But I couldn’t. I guess.” He pinched the bridge of his nose and looked away.

“Apologies aren’t necessary. I was thinking you would have thanks, instead of apologies.”

“Yeah, that too. Thank you. For helping me out.” Tony cringed. He hated thanking people. Especially when he had to actually be sincere about it.

Loki strode across the room and took a seat in one of the chairs in the corner. “Like I said. I’ve...had to deal with those too. I only used the knowledge I already had to comfort you.”

“Yeah, uh, I remember you said that. Do you perhaps want to _elaborate_? I thought you were a god. What could someone possibly do to a god to traumatize him?”

Loki’s green eyes settled on the floor. “Now isn’t the right time.”

Tony scoffed and threw his arms up as he turned away from Loki. “You’re just gonna keep fucking saying that aren’t you?”

Loki balled his hands into fists. “Am I not allowed to have my secrets?!”

Tony spun to face Loki again. “You’re my fucking _prisoner! _You’re not allowed to have _anything_ unless I decide you deserve it!”__

__Loki collapsed back into the chair, the fight knocked out of him. Tony was right, and he knew it. He didn’t even necessarily need Loki to live. Nevermind the fact that the mere idea of Loki dying left a knot in Tony’s stomach. It was the principle of the fact._ _

__Tony sighed loudly. “You’re going to tell me. I will pull it out of you somehow. I want to know how the Asgardians managed to break you. They’re one of Earth’s only allies, and if they have some major secrets they’re keeping from us, we need to know.”_ _

__A fearful look crossed Loki’s face, quickly covered by a thin veil of defiance. “I...I’m aware. And when the time comes for you to pull it out of me, you’ll do so with me kicking and screaming. I hope you’re alright with that,” he sneered._ _

__Tony made a sound of frustration and stormed towards the exit. “Enjoy your damn lunch.” He slammed the door on his way out._ _

__Jesus christ. Today really was not his day. Upstairs, he ended up pouring himself a few drinks as he worked on the new suit he had drafted up - one with a built-in oxygen supply and emergency power reserves. A fear piece, he called it. Nightfall came quicker than he expected, and when it arrived, he was still no less restless than when he woke up._ _

__Fuck it. He threw down his tools, his mind unable to focus on the work any longer. He walked outside and opened his arms to the usual warm breeze. The din of the city below grated on his ears, yet the colors of the city lights were still gorgeous to him. He bounced on his feet for a moment and shook out his limbs. Then he started running. He gained speed quickly until he reached the edge of the balcony, and he jumped off._ _

__The familiar sound of repulsors firing and a door opening in the house was music to his ears. Jarvis had observed this scene many times, and knew what to do. Tony fell through the air, drinking in the sensation of the wind rushing past his body as he raced towards the pavement, adrenaline flooding his veins. Within seconds, the pieces of his suit flew to him and latched themselves onto his body, fitting together like protective puzzle pieces._ _

__He hit the jets, and started to fly. He rocketed over New York, looking down at the streets below, watching the familiar sight of camera flashes aimed up at him. He didn’t know where he was going, but he needed to feel like he was running away from something. The sound of the repulsors propelling him through the air, the way his body was subtly vibrated by the movement of the suit, the feeling of freedom...it all comforted him. He knew he relied on his suits for comfort, and he knew he shouldn’t, but in that moment, he didn’t care. He spiraled through the air, smiling as the g-forces pulled at his body. It just felt so _good_._ _

__“Sir. You really should see a therapist soon.” Jarvis’s voice echoed through the suit._ _

__“Me? Nah. I can handle this.”_ _

__“No, you cannot, sir. You have PTSD. You don’t ‘handle’ PTSD.”_ _

__Tony scoffed. “I’m fine, Jarvis. Stop acting like my mother.”_ _

__“Sir, I am programmed to always have your best interests in mind. I simply believe-”_ _

__“Ah, ah ah-! No. Not now. I know what’s best for me. Not you.”_ _

__“Then would you at least stop jumping from the balcony every time you’d like me to retrieve your suit?”_ _

__A smile flashed onto Tony’s face. “But it’s so much damn fun, Jarvis, how could I stop?”_ _

__Jarvis didn’t respond. Tony stopped to hover in midair above the city. It was beautiful at night._ _

__As he jetted through the sky, he found himself able to reflect. It was disgustingly poetic, he had to admit. He was only free when he was encased in this tin can. He could only allow himself to feel when he had a literal suit of armor around his heart. He imagined some tabloid writer doing a piece on how Tony Stark was actually just a robot. He wouldn’t be too far off from the truth, Tony thought._ _

__He’d panicked in front of Loki. He remembered the look Loki had shot him after saying the words that set him off. Had he known, somehow, that Tony was sensitive to those words? Tony frowned. He’d been imprisoned on Asgard for years. There was no way he somehow managed to figure out Tony’s triggers. Though, he knew he should be careful not to underestimate the literal god of mischief. There was no telling whether or not the god had some secret, some ability that allowed him to know these things._ _

__The more he thought about it, the more pissed off he became. The image of Loki’s face glancing up at him as he said the two words he knew would set him off...it made his blood boil. He’d done it on purpose, Tony was convinced now. His attempt to relax by flying had backfired considerably, and he’d only ended up angrier than before. This happened every once in a while, but only when he was in a particularly sour mood._ _

__He landed back at the house, and his suit was removed piece by piece, leaving him feeling naked and exposed once again. He trudged down the stairs to Loki’s cell, ready to give the guy a piece of his mind. In fact, he wanted to pick a fight. He needed to let off some steam. He thrust the door open and stepped inside, fists already clenched. Loki could tell something was off, and he stood up from the chair he had been sitting in._ _

__“That was your fault, you know. What happened earlier. The panic attack. Your fault.”_ _

__Loki gave a questioning look. “How so?”_ _

__“You said the magic words.”_ _

__“What, New-”_ _

__“HEY! Hey, hey, let’s...not say that again, huh?” He knew it didn’t trigger him every time he heard it, but he was in a bad enough mood already. Having to also think about a traumatic experience was not at the top of his list of things he wanted to do today. “You knew, didn’t you?” He took a confrontational tone._ _

__“Knew what?”_ _

__Tony pointed an accusing finger at Loki. “You knew those words would set me off.”_ _

__Loki sighed, looking exasperated. “Tony, I knew no such thing.”_ _

__“Liar.”_ _

__“Seriously?”_ _

__“You’re fucking lying. I can see it on your face.” And he could. There was a subtle change in the way Loki carried himself when he lied. It was impossible to spot most of the time, but this time, Tony caught it._ _

__Loki knew when he’d been caught. A smirk tugged at the corner of his lips, and he stood up from his chair and approached Tony. “And?”_ _

__“ _And_ I think that makes me want to beat your ass.”_ _

__“Oh, Anthony. I’m utterly uninterested in fighting you.”_ _

__“You definitely sound like you are. Considering I’ve told you not to call me that.” He dragged his eyes up and down Loki’s figure. “And it _looks_ like you’re asking for it.”_ _

__“I'm not asking for anything.”_ _

__“No, no, because I really do think you _are_ asking for it. Y’know what? Come on, _god of mischief_ , let’s go a couple rounds. Come on.” He beckoned Loki with a hand._ _

__“Tony. I’m not going to fight you.” Loki refused, yet nonetheless took a step towards Tony._ _

__Tony’s hand lashed out and grabbed Loki by the collar, pulling him closer. Loki’s feet stumbled on the concrete floor, but he righted himself in front of Tony. The height difference between them became rather pronounced when they were so close. Loki towered over Tony, looking down at him with a satisfied smirk. Tony’s blood boiled as the expression spread across the god’s face. His other hand reached up around the back of Loki’s head and he wrapped his fingers around the man’s jet black hair. He forced Loki’s face closer to his own, wiping the smirk off his face. Loki’s hand came up and locked around the wrist of the metal hand that held his collar. Tony hadn’t even realized he’d retracted the nanobots back into his arm._ _

__“I am a god. You do not deserve to touch me.” Loki leaned in even closer to Tony. “You already lost once. Are you sure you want to lose again?”_ _

__That did it. Tony set his teeth and swung first, his fist connecting with Loki’s cheekbone with a satisfying thud. He hit hard enough to bruise his knuckles, and he loved the feeling._ _

__Loki staggered back, catching himself before he fell. Tony knew the god was an expert in hand to hand combat, and he felt his stomach drop realizing he had just started a fist fight with a literal god. Loki’s hair fell in front of his face, obscuring his gaze. He ran his fingers through the disheveled locks while he raised his head to glare at Tony. Those bright green eyes burned with years of pent-up rage and frustration. He started towards Tony, who put his fists up in preparation._ _

__Loki’s thousands of years of combat experience made themselves known immediately. Tony took a fist on the chin. One in the stomach. An elbow to the ribs. One on the cheek. Loki forced him backwards into the wall. His fingers closed around Tony’s neck._ _

__“I think you underestimated my anger, Stark.” He bared his teeth as he breathed the words down at Tony._ _

__Tony raised an eyebrow, then dropped himself down and turned his shoulders away from Loki. He planted an elbow squarely on Loki’s groin, forcing his grip to break and making him stumble back. Tony could hear Loki suck in a pained inhale._ _

__“The nuts are fair game if we’re gonna do choke holds, big guy.”_ _

__Loki placed a hand on the wall where Tony had been, and caught his breath for a brief moment before turning around. Tony bounced and shook out his wrists. He considered just blasting the shit out of him with his arm’s repulsor, or having Jarvis activate Loki’s cuffs to magnetize his arms to the floor, but that wouldn’t feel as good as the sensation of Loki’s skin cracking under his knuckles. He wanted this fight, he asked for it, and he was going to see it through properly._ _

__When Loki attacked this time, Tony was ready. He dipped and weaved, avoiding the god’s fists. It almost felt like he was training with Steve again. A punch caught him on the temple, and his head throbbed hard enough to make him throw up. He struck back with his left hand in response, his fist connecting with Loki’s side. The god’s face twisted in pain as the wind was knocked out of him, and Tony swore he heard the sound of something breaking. Good._ _

__Loki responded by planting a fist directly under Tony’s eye. The two traded blows, Loki angling his injured side away from Tony as their arms twisted over each other, fighting for the chance to land the next hit. With a well-timed opening, Tony grabbed Loki by the collar with both hands, pulled him close, then shoved him away with all of his strength. Loki took a few steps back, holding his arms out to steady himself._ _

__The two stared at each other for a second, and the air was electric. Blood dripped from Tony’s nose onto the floor, and Loki seemed to be struggling to breathe comfortably. Loki’s expression morphed into one full of rage, and he let out a shout as he charged at Tony. He wrapped his arms around the smaller man as they dove to the ground. Tony’s head hit the floor with a crack, and his vision was filled with static for a moment._ _

__He brought his hands up to shield himself. Loki pinned him at the waist, knees on either side of his torso, and swung at Tony mercilessly, connecting with nearly every hit. Tony felt one of the teeth in his mouth loosen after a punch to the jaw. Loki was gonna kill him if he gave him the chance. He had no other choice at this point. He pointed his left hand at Loki and fired the repulsor._ _

__Not being able to brace his arm sent his elbow crashing back into the floor, impacting the concrete with a sickening crunch. Loki was propelled backwards by the blast and slammed onto his back, sliding across the floor into a wall. The smell of singed hair and burning fabric made its way up Tony’s bleeding nose. He stood up, careful to keep his feet wide as his battered body threatened to fall. He spit out the blood in his mouth, and a tooth came with it. Jesus, how cliche, he thought. His injured arm hung limp by his side as he shuffled over to Loki’s crumpled form._ _

__Loki was already lifting himself to his feet. He was developing a black eye on one side, and there was blood in his teeth when he opened his mouth to speak. “Are you done yet? Are you satisfied, you worthless fucking mortal?” Loki panted, teeth gritted, holding an arm across his injured ribs._ _

__Tony took a few more steps towards Loki. He stayed still for a moment, eyeing the god’s injured form. Not injured enough, he determined. Tony reared back, and leaned his entire body into an uppercut to Loki’s chin. A pained noise escaped from Loki’s lips before he fell to the ground, unconscious._ _

__Tony scowled at the motionless form on the floor, panting heavily. The adrenaline clouding his mind started to fade just enough that he became aware of how much he _hurt_. He sucked in a breath through his teeth. He could barely even pinpoint where the pain was. He stumbled out of the room and upstairs onto the couch, leaving Loki on the ground._ _

__Jarvis came over the speakers as Tony collapsed onto the couch, ice packs and a cotton ball in hand. “Sir, it seems you’ve dislocated your elbow. You will require medical attention.”_ _

__Tony sighed and let his head fall back onto the ice pack he placed underneath it. “Yeah, no shit Sherlock, it sure feels like it. Call the doc for tomorrow. I’m taking the rest of the night off.”_ _

__“Sir, it is best if the injury is treated imme-”_ _

__“Jarvis. Not. Now. Bring a fucking doctor in here and I swear to god I’ll start swingin’ again.”_ _

__“Understood, sir.”_ _

__Tony groaned as he positioned the other ice pack on his injured elbow. He’d removed the prosthetic and placed it on the counter - he would need to replace the power source for the repulsor. It could fire a strong blast, but unpowered by his arc reactor, it was only good for one use. The blue and purple flesh of his remaining few inches of forearm was swollen around the elbow, and painful as hell. He used his teeth as a second hand to pull off a chunk of the cotton ball he’d grabbed, and rolled it into a compact shape. He stuffed it into the bleeding gap where one of his back molars used to be._ _

__He settled into the couch, laying with his head on one of the decorative pillows Pepper had never wanted him to touch. Staring at the ceiling, he allowed his mind to recall the events that just transpired. It hit him like a ton of bricks without the high levels of adrenaline to blur his mind. Good lord, had they really just done all that to each other? “He’s still alive down there, right Jarvis?”_ _

__“Yes, sir. However, he has two cracked ribs and a severely injured jaw. He will require medical attention as well, though his case is not as urgent. His ribs have not broken, and are not in danger of puncturing any essential organs.”_ _

__Tony felt a smirk creep onto the edges of his lips. “Good.” He felt a faint sense of guilt, but it was largely overwritten by his current anger. He stared at his hand, flexing his fingers. The knuckles were purplish with the forming of new bruises, but they didn’t hurt. In fact, it felt a little good to have the sensation of post-fight knuckles again. It had been a while since the last time he got in a real fist fight outside of his suit._ _

__An image of Loki swam through his mind. The sheen of sweat on his skin after Tony broke his ribs. The way he had raked his fingers through his hair to keep it out of his face. Absentmindedly, Tony brought his hand to his mouth and chewed on one of his knuckles as he stared at the ceiling. He thought about Loki knocking him to the ground and positioning himself on Tony’s lap. Before he even realized what he was thinking about, a familiar heat had started to pool low in his abdomen._ _

__His body still pulsed with testosterone and the leftovers of an adrenaline-fueled fight. His chest heaved with a deep sigh. This almost always happened after fights, as he’d inconveniently forgotten after picking one with Loki. Every time he went out in the suit, he’d come back so wound up he felt like a rubber band about to snap. It wasn’t a problem when Pepper was there, but when he was alone...he started to fantasize. And he let it happen this time. Tony wasn't sure if it was the exhaustion that kept him from fighting it, or if he was simply tired of hiding from the truth._ _

__He pictured Loki. In his mind, milky white skin twisted and writhed under his fingers. He imagined Loki arching his back as Tony delicately brushed a fingertip along his midsection. Skin strained against the bone and muscle underneath, ivory flushed with rosy pink as the god warmed under Tony’s touch. His head became devoid of all thoughts except the fantasy that was tearing through his mind._ _

__Tony managed to shimmy his pants down just far enough that he could slide a hand over his cock. He thought about what Loki would look like on his knees. He imagined Loki’s soft, slender hands snaking their way up Tony’s legs, then wrapping around his cock. Tony would weave his fingers through Loki’s hair and guide his mouth onto it. Outside of his fantasy, he bit back a moan, and his hand began to stroke faster._ _

__He imagined forcing Loki down onto him, and the sounds Loki would make as he drooled and gagged obscenely on Tony’s cock. It made his stomach flip to think about. He imagined turning Loki’s cuffs into restraints that held his arms behind his back, not allowing him to touch Tony’s body - or himself. Loki would writhe beneath him, so desperate for Tony’s hands on his skin._ _

__His mind was overwhelmed with the image of Loki. He thought about the way Loki’s skin would taste as Tony nipped at his neck. He could nearly taste it on his tongue. Imagination entirely running away from him now, he envisioned himself laying Loki down on his bed, and forcing a knee between his thighs. Loki would stare up at him with those piercing green eyes, his lips parted as he panted needily. Tony would run his hands over Loki’s body, his fingers caressing every inch of skin._ _

__He’d place a hand next to Loki’s head to steady himself, the other wrapping around Loki’s slender waist. He imagined pulling the two of them closer until their bodies were pressed close together. Tony tried to imagine the taste of Loki’s mouth on his own. He would kiss Loki so deeply the god would break away, gasping for air through those wet lips. He would rut himself against Tony’s body, his cock sliding effortlessly over the slick sweat. The god would lean in, breath hot against Tony’s flushed neck, and he would mewl into Tony’s ear. _“Please, Tony…”__ _

__Tony could hear the words in his head so clearly it startled him. And those words were all he needed to push him over the edge. A shock of electricity rushed through his body as he came, a moan falling from his lips as his cock pulsed in his hand. His eyes squeezed shut as waves of pleasure rolled over him. When it was over, he lay still for a while, gasping for air. He wanted to berate himself for having done that, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. It had felt far too good to regret._ _

__As the last of the adrenaline left his body and the Earth started to spin again, he became acutely aware of the leftover pain from his fight with Loki. His heart beat painfully hard against the arc reactor, and basically every other part of his body was sore in some way. He reached out awkwardly towards the tissue box on the nearby coffee table. He forgot he’d taken off his arm, and nearly slid off the couch when he tried to steady himself with the hand that wasn’t there._ _

__He successfully grabbed the tissues and used them to clean up. His brain was trying rather hard to force him to process what he just did, but he wouldn’t let it happen yet. He’d think about it another time. Once his hand was clean, he stuck a finger in his mouth and pulled out the cotton he had put in there earlier - it was already soaked through with blood. Breathing out an irritated sigh, he headed to the sink to rinse out whatever blood was still in his mouth, and he stuffed another piece of cotton where the old one had been. Tony’s elbow throbbed as he tried to put his arm back on._ _

__“I wouldn’t put that back on for now, sir. It could make the injury worse by placing pressure on the area.” Jarvis chimed in after hearing Tony’s pained wince._ _

__Tony clicked his tongue and set down the hunk of metal. He threw the ice packs back in the freezer, and shuffled his way into the bedroom. He hoped he’d sufficiently exhausted himself to allow him to sleep tonight. Once in bed, he reflected. _The fuck just happened?_ He’d gone for a flight, came back pissed off and looking for an argument, started one with Loki, got his ass kicked, lost a tooth, and fractured Loki’s ribs. Then he...jacked off to the dude who just got in a fist fight with him? What the fuck was going on?_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SOME SPIZCE. I'm super satisfied with how this chapter turned out. I think it's the best one so far. I hope you all enjoyed reading it, too!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one's a rather beefy chapter lmao. It also gets emotional. But we finally get to find out what happened to Loki! I cried while re-reading the final draft of this chapter, just so yall know.
> 
> Songs I listened to:  
> Get Got - Death Grips  
> John My Beloved - Sufjan Stevens  
> All the Stars - Kendrick Lamar & SZA  
> Rocket Man - Elton John  
> Concerning the UFO Sighting Near Highland, Illinois - Sufjan Stevens

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs: description and discussion of past rape (not graphic), mention of incest

When Tony woke up, a familiar heavy soreness reached his brain before any thoughts did. He groaned and rolled over towards the light coming in through the windows. He winced as his elbow started to throb. Oh yeah, that happened.

Jarvis’s voice came over the speakers, calibrated to be softer and quieter in the morning. “Good morning, sir. I’ve contacted doctor Banner regarding a visit to patch you and your prisoner up. I presume you weren’t going to take Loki or yourself to a hospital.”

“Thanks, Jarvis.” Tony rolled out of bed and stood up slowly. His whole damn body hurt. He was getting too old for fighting without his suit. In the bathroom, he took his shirt off and examined his body. He was covered in bruises, all of them a painful-looking dark purplish-blue color. He had a bruise under his left eye, too - he didn’t even remember Loki hitting him there. “What time is he coming?”

“He’ll be here at 11 o’clock. In two hours, sir.”

As Jarvis spoke, Tony reached into the back of his mouth and carefully pulled out the wad of cotton he’d put in the socket where his tooth used to be. It wasn’t soaked, so it must have stopped bleeding some time during the night. “Do I know anyone that’s a dentist?”

“You have multiple associates that have medical dentistry doctorates. Would you like me to contact one?”

Tony thought about it for a moment. He definitely didn’t trust any of them enough to risk having them at the house. “You know what, just set something up for me. I’ll go to them.”

“Right away, sir.”

Tony went through his usual motions. He grabbed a sling he had on hand and rested his elbow inside, wincing at the pain when he touched it. He positioned an ice pack under his elbow. “Jarvis, y’think I can make scrambled eggs with one hand?”

“I would not recommend it, sir. You don’t want to lose use of _both_ your hands. May I suggest something microwaved?”

Tony ended up heating up some random leftovers. “Tell me Jarvis, why haven’t I hired a personal chef yet?”

“Because, sir, in your own recent words, you _don’t need any god damn chef, you have two perfectly good working hands_.”

Tony sniffed. “Maybe I should get my math checked on that one.”

He really _did not_ want to go downstairs. He knew Loki would be awake, and there was no telling what sort of reaction Tony would get when he walked in the room. His palms started to sweat as he headed down the staircase. Loki was laying in his bed, feet crossed over one another, his hands resting flat on his torso as he stared up at the ceiling. His body stayed rigid when Tony entered the room, and he gave no indication that he even realized Tony was there.

“Hey Loki.” His tone was soft, as he tried to approach an apology as delicately as possible. “Listen, I’m-”

“Stark.” Loki interrupted him, his voice half-raised. He sat up slowly, holding his ribs as he moved. His breaths were shallow, and Tony could tell it wasn't very comfortable for him to move. Tony almost felt a twinge of guilt, watching the man move with his injuries. His elbow throbbed again, and the sense of guilt melted away just as fast as it had arrived. He studied Loki’s face as he stood up, and noticed he didn’t look much better than he himself did. There was a sickly green-yellow bruise smeared across Loki's cheekbone, and the dark shadow of a much worse bruise painted his chin and the jaw underneath it. Tony nearly smiled at the sight, but he fought it back. That was, until a smile creeped onto the edges of Loki’s face, his lips trembling as he tried not to let it show. Tony raised an eyebrow.

Loki’s face twisted up for a moment, then he began to laugh hysterically. Tony nervously chuckled. “What’s so funny?”

Loki only pointed at Tony’s empty-looking sling and continued to laugh. Tony looked down, and realized how silly it looked without a hand hanging from one end. It looked like his arm simply disappeared into the sling and didn’t come out the other end. The sight made him burst into laughter as well. The two of them laughed doubled-over until Loki straightened up and sucked a breath in through his teeth, his laughter falling away, but the shadow of a smile stuck on his lips.

“You bested me. That isn’t a simple feat, Stark.” He rubbed his injured side. “And you broke some bones, it seems. Laughing...hurts.”

“Cracked, not broken. I wasn’t trying to kill you.”

“Really? Because it sure felt like it.” He carefully maneuvered himself back onto the bed. “Jokes aside, Tony, this is a rather dangerous injury.”

“Banner is coming later to check on you. Well, check on _us_. You remember Banner, right?”

Loki flinched at the name. “Yes, Tony. I remember Banner quite well.”

Tony pointed a finger. “Oh, that’s right, he cracked my concrete floor with your body when he pulverized you. How could I forget?”

Loki rolled his eyes.

Tony leaned up against the wall across from Loki. He moved to cross his arms, but he forgot he only had one arm to cross. He awkwardly placed it by his side. “Y’know, when you first got here, you were so scared of everything. Even me. What changed?”

Loki drew a deep breath, his face scrunching up in pain. “Well, Stark, we weren’t exactly on good terms. And my dearest family did not tell me a thing. They simply grabbed me from my cell and dragged me to the Bifrost in chains. And I ended up here. It was startling to say the least.”

“Jesus, didn't they at least show you a shred of respect? You're still technically a prince, right?”

“I was stripped of my title of Odinson when I returned to Asgard. I no longer hold any legitimate claim to the throne whatsoever.” Loki sighed.

He felt pity for the god, but he knew it was his just dues. Loki didn't deserve a claim to the throne anymore. From where he stood, Tony had a good view of the bruise under Loki’s chin. Had he really hit him that hard? It was a huge mark that spread all the way from one side of his jaw to the other. The god’s teeth must have been much stronger than Tony’s to not have even one crack after such a blow. “So why’d you do it?” He asked suddenly.

“Do what?”

“Work with the Chitauri. What'd they offer you that would make all this worth it?”

“That's just it.” Loki ran a hand over his face. “It wasn't worth it.”

Tony was surprised to hear those words. “I thought you didn't regret your actions.”

“I regret all of it. But I don't blame myself. Would you not, too, be a tad bitter if you were raised in a place where you never truly belonged? If you were always in the shadow of someone larger, only to find you shouldn't have been there at all?”

Tony tried to stop himself, but he couldn't help but sympathize with Loki. He knew the guy was as bad as they came. But he also knew Loki genuinely believed he had been doing the right thing. “I...understand. I think.”

Loki lifted his head from the pillows and peered down his nose at Tony, an eyebrow raised in confusion.

“My dad. Not the best guy in the world. But sort of a similar situation. I was never _Tony_. I was always _Howard Stark’s son._ ”

“Your father, he was…”

“A warmonger. Weapons manufacturer. Genius. He always thought he was doing the right thing, that he was keeping the peace. And I thought the same thing. I doubt that ever would have changed, if I didn't experience the things I did.”

“What exactly did you experience…?”

Tony opened his mouth to speak, but was interrupted by the doorbell ringing. 

“Sir, doctor Banner is here to see you.” 

“We can chat later.” Tony jogged upstairs to greet his colleague, opening his arm in a welcoming gesture as the elevator door opened. Bruce carried a large duffel bag and was dressed in his typical casual attire. 

“Hey, Tony! Good to see ya.” Bruce walked in and shook Tony’s hand, and Tony pulled him in for a hug.

“It's great to see you, Bruce. It's been a while, hasn't it?”

“Yeah, what has it been, three months?” Bruce and Tony walked to the kitchen, where Bruce set down his bag and started to rummage through it.

“Yeah, somethin’ like that.” Tony paused as he absorbed the number Bruce had just said. “...It’s been that long?”

Bruce slowed his motions and looked up at Tony. His tone was joking, but Bruce could tell his question was genuine. “Yeah, Tony. We’ve all been pretty worried about you. Is everything…”

“Fine! Yeah, everything’s going great. Just perfect here.”

Bruce walked towards Tony, who slowly backed up as the man approached. Bruce looked him up and down, then stared at his bloodshot eyes. “When was the last time you got a full night of sleep?”

Tony averted his eyes from Bruce’s questioning gaze and stared at the floor. “Um. Last night!”

Bruce took off his glasses and slid them into his shirt pocket. “Tony.”

“It’s been a while,” Tony conceded. “I sleep most nights, though.”

“Most nights? Tony...that isn’t enough. What’s bothering you?”

Tony walked away as he started to become agitated by Bruce’s line of questioning. “Nothing is _bothering_ me. I’ve just got a lot of projects on my plate, lots to do. A universe to protect.”

Bruce glanced around at the room. “Jarvis, when was the last time Tony went outside without his suit on?”

“Hey, come on, man! Jarvis, don’t answer him. I’m your creator, you have to listen to me-”

“Two weeks, sir.” Jarvis’s voice came through the speakers to broadcast over Tony’s protests.

Bruce crossed his arms and looked at Tony with a disappointed expression. “Tony.”

“ _Tony._ ” He jokingly mocked Bruce’s speech. “I’m perfectly fucking fine here by myself. Nothing is wrong with me. You guys just can’t...leave me the fuck alone, can you?” Irritated, he pointed an open hand at Bruce.

“We’d all be dead if not for you, Tony. You’re very important to all of us.” Bruce opened his arms wide. “We only want to help you.”

“Oh, so I’m supposed to be some kind of hero?” Tony spat. “I have to live up to this idea that I’m a superhero? Because I fit this ridiculous definition? I’m not a fucking hero. Not like this.” He gestured towards his missing limb, sitting in its sling.

Bruce looked at Tony wistfully. “Heroes can be broken.”

“Once they’re broken, they’re not a hero anymore. You break an arm off your action figure, you throw it away, right? You don’t call it a hero for its sacrifice and keep playing with it.” Tony’s voice was laced with gloom.

“You’re a lot more than your physical make-up, Stark.” Bruce approached Tony. He didn’t back away this time, and allowed Bruce to plant a comforting hand on his shoulder. “The things you did for us, the way that you were willing to give everything to save us, and the fact that you really did it...that’s what’s important.”

Tony fought back tears and looked Bruce in the eyes. “I don’t want to be a hero. I just…” His voice wavered, and he swallowed. “I just want to sleep.”

The simple sorrow on Tony’s face made Bruce draw him in for a hug. Tony let a few tears fall from his eyes. Had he really abandoned his friends for three months? Had he really been cooped up here for two weeks? Had he really been living like this for _two years?_

Bruce drew back, but kept his hands on Tony’s shoulders. “I can help you, Tony. But you have to be willing to listen to what I say to you.”

Tony shook his head and wiped the tears from his cheeks. He knew he wasn’t ready for that yet. He knew that if he tried to let Bruce help him, he would lash out in ways he didn’t expect, and he would tear himself further away from the people whose lives he once valued more than anything else in the universe. He wasn’t even entirely sure what he was working towards anymore. Who, exactly, did he want to protect by putting a force field around Earth? Why was it even important to him? Was anything important to him anymore?

“Why don’t you take a look at this first.” He gestured towards his injured elbow, trying not to dwell on the questions that were eating him alive. 

Bruce smiled. “Let’s have a look at it.”

Tony removed the sling, and Bruce began the process of poking and prodding. Tony’s other hand was clenched in a fist during the painful procedure. 

“Well, you definitely dislocated it for sure. What even happened?”

“Jarvis, didn’t you tell him?” Tony asked.

“No. I felt it was an unnecessary breach of security, sir. I believed it would be a much better idea for you to tell him everything yourself.”

Tony felt a sense of deep anxiety wash over him. “So, you didn’t tell him…?” He didn’t want to finish the sentence out loud. _About Loki._

“No, sir.”

Tony ran his hand over his jaw. “Oh, boy.”

Bruce was looking at Tony with that expression he loved to make, one of distrust and confusion. “Tell me what, exactly?”

“Yeah, so, how’s your handle on the whole...green guy thing?” Tony made an attempt at being sensitive.

“Uh, it’s...fine. Look, just tell me whatever you’re going to tell me.” Bruce looked concerned.

“Well, let’s say, hypothetically, that I was keeping...um...Loki in the lower level of this apartment to study him so I can finish my project to build a force field around Earth? What would you say?” Tony spoke as fast as possible, then cringed in anticipation of Bruce’s response.

Bruce looked horrified. He ripped his glasses off his face and walked away from Tony with a brisk pace, heading for the stairs. Tony chased after him, extending a hand in his direction.

“Look, okay, I know it probably looks crazy to you, but I’ve got measures in place to-”

They reached the bottom of the stairs. Bruce stopped in his tracks, stunned, staring at Loki. Loki, in return, faced Bruce, and gave him a cheerful wave. Bruce turned to Tony, who was looking at him with a strained expression.

“Listen, I know how this looks-”

He was cut off by Bruce grabbing him by the arms and shoving him back against the wall. “Are you fucking _crazy?!_ You brought him here?! You’re going to get us all killed, Tony! Jesus Christ, you’ve gotta be out of your damn mind!”

Tony put his one hand on Bruce’s outstretched arms. “Listen to me, Banner. It’s alright. I swear to you. I spent years making this cell to keep him in. And those cuffs on his wrists?” He pointed to the cell. Loki raised his hands to show his wrists, and the cuffs attached. “Those cancel out any magic he could do. On top of all that, I’ve got a bunch of shit in place as failsafes in case he somehow does manage to escape. But he doesn’t seem very interested in doing that.”

Bruce lifted his hands from Tony’s arms. “Tony...do you know what kind of a risk you’re taking here?”

“I’m aware. And it’s a risk I was willing to take.” Tony was defiant. He ultimately did believe that what he was doing here was a necessity. His progress on the project had stalled enough that he knew he wasn’t able to move forward without a major discovery, and Loki was the key to that discovery.

Bruce sighed and turned around to stare into the cell. He examined Loki’s living arrangements, as well as Loki himself. He quickly noticed the bruises, and his roughed-up knuckles. He looked back and forth between Tony and Loki a few times rapidly, then opened his mouth to speak.

Tony interrupted him before he could get a word out. “Yes. The answer is yes.”

Bruce frowned. “Fighting gods? Really, Tony? Is this what you’re doing for fun now?”

“Not my fault. He triggered me first.”

Rolling his eyes, Bruce moved closer to the cell’s entrance. “So...what’s wrong with him? What the hell did you two do to each other?”

Jarvis came over the speakers. “If you would like, doctor Banner, I can show you the security footage from last night, beginning at 10:54 pm.”

Tony’s face fell, and he wanted to protest. But there was a look of intrigue on Bruce’s face, and he figured he might as well give the doctor this one thing. It was better than explaining it, anyway. 

“Show me. But...only the parts I need to see, if you don’t mind.” He shot Tony a tight-lipped smile.

Jarvis displayed a hologram image from one of his cameras. Security footage played on the image, showing the highlights of the major injuries the two men sustained. Bruce flinched when it showed Tony hitting Loki in the ribs. Even Tony made a face - he hadn’t realized how hard he hit him. On the footage, it was possible to see the moment Tony’s metal arm pushed in far enough to crack the ribs. Loki watched from his cell, an intrigued smile on his face. The footage cut to Tony activating the repulsor on his arm. Bruce watched intently, observing the angle at which Tony’s elbow hit the concrete. 

“Well, watching that, I can say it’s not broken, even without an x-ray. So that’s good. Loki, on the other hand…”

Tony rubbed the back of his head. “Yeah...that was a little harder than intended.”

Bruce flashed a raised eyebrow at Tony. “You definitely broke his ribs. I’m not sure how many, th-”

“Two,” Jarvis’s voice interrupted.

Bruce pointed at the ceiling. “How does he know that?”

“I gave him x-ray vision.” Tony smiled.

Bruce looked at Tony like he was crazy. “Are you trying to say you’re constantly blasting yourself with x-rays?”

“No, no, of course not, Banner. Jarvis has the ability to take an x-ray when he needs to. It’s more of a focused beam than a scatter-shot.”

“But, Tony, that’s not...that’s now how x-rays work-”

Tony ignored him. “So! Two broken ribs, huh. That’s crazy. What are you gonna do for him?”

The man sighed, but he let it go. Wasn’t worth the argument. Bruce detailed Loki’s treatment plan, which consisted of ice, rest, and keeping his chest elevated. “You’re going to do a similar thing for your elbow. Speaking of which, how much does it hurt right now?”

“Uh, a lot. Hurts a whole hell of a lot, doc.”

“Can I see it?” Bruce put his glasses on and stepped closer to Tony. 

Tony extended his arm towards Bruce. Bruce grabbed the end of what remained of Tony’s arm, and placed his other hand around the elbow. Without warning, he quickly moved his hands, and Tony felt his elbow pop back into place. He yelped at the sensation - it was a sickening feeling, and his vision burst with static for a moment as pain flooded the area, then dissipated altogether. 

Bruce took his hands away and smirked at Tony. “Feel better?”

Tony flexed his elbow. It still hurt to move it, but the pain was significantly less. “Well, how ‘bout that. Why didn’t you just do that right away when you got here?!”

“I didn’t know the nature of the injury yet.”

Tony shrugged. “Fair.”

Bruce gestured at Tony’s arm. “You should be able to, um...put it back on now. Just make sure you keep it in a sling for a few weeks.” He looked away awkwardly, and stared in at Loki.

The two stood there for a moment, Tony flexing his injured elbow, Bruce looking in at Loki in his cell. Tony noticed Bruce’s staring, and saw the two of them glaring at each other.

“Wanna talk to him?” Tony’s words startled Bruce, like he hadn’t been listening.

“No. Not really.” Bruce scowled and turned away from Loki, walking back up the stairs. Tony could feel those green eyes following them as they went. 

“Keep wearing the sling, remember - ice three times a day, take some ibuprofen, keep Loki’s chest elevated whenever possible…” Bruce reminded Tony. 

“Say, you couldn't by any chance give me a fake tooth implant?”

“Tony, I’m not even a medical doctor in the first place. I'm definitely not a dentist. But...did he knock one of your teeth out?!”

Tony shrugged. “Just one. Not a major loss. I’ll live.”

“Damn it Tony. Look. I know you've got this project going on, and you think Loki’s the key to solving these problems, but he's a god. The god of _mischief._ You’ve gotta understand you're putting yourself in a really bad spot here.”

“I know I'm putting myself in a bad spot, but frankly, it doesn't matter to me. I need answers, and I intend to get them one way or another, and a lot of those answers will come from Loki.”

Bruce threw his hands up. “Fine. I see you're beyond the point of convincing. Just, please, Tony...be careful. Alright? For me. For all of us. Be careful.”

Tony nodded his acknowledgement, and showed Bruce to the door. “You're one of the few people I trust right now with this. Actually, besides Fury, you're the only one who knows.”

“The secret’s safe with me, but how long are you gonna keep this up, Tony?”

“As long as possible. Until I figure it out, or he dies. Whichever comes first.”

Bruce sighed, a look of concern across his face. “Don’t kill him. Asgard would not be very happy with us.”

“Got it.” Tony ushered Bruce through the elevator doors. “Make sure you keep this between us, alright? Not even the team can know about this.”

Bruce nodded. “But, Tony, don’t hesitate to call. The others wouldn’t mind hearing from you.”

Tony flashed a tight-lipped smile, and hit the first floor button. “Take care, Bruce.”

“You too.”

The doors closed, and the elevator descended. Tony watched the number above the doors change for a moment, reflecting on what Bruce had said. Maybe he should call them. He reattached his arm, grateful to finally feel like he had an arm again. He put the sling back on, and sat an ice pack against his elbow inside the sling. He grabbed a second pack and headed down to Loki.

Loki spoke right away when Tony opened the door. “I haven’t seen him in a long time. I’m surprised you would bring the beast to your little compound, here.”

Tony shrugged. “Jarvis, raise the head of the bed to 45 degrees.” He tossed an ice pack at Loki. “He’s not really a beast. Not like that, at least. Big difference between the two of them. The green one and the little one, I mean.”

Loki held the ice against his ribs as the bed rose up. “How do you trust someone like that?”

He furrowed his brow. “I don’t know. You just sorta do. A lot of us didn’t trust him, at first.”

“Yet you worked with him anyway.”

“Yeah, having an indestructible monster on your side is typically a pretty good thing. Anyway, weren’t we talking about something before he got here?” Tony took a seat in a chair.

Loki paused. “You were telling me...why your opinions on your father’s work changed.”

“Right. That. I figured you’d already know my story. Given how you pretty much know everything about everyone in the avengers.”

Loki smirked and looked away. “I do. But I wanted to hear your version of the tale.”

“It’s probably a lot like what you already heard. Caravan got ambushed, I got kidnapped, they tried to make me build a missile, I refused, and escaped in a suit I made out of random shit they gave me. Not a lot more to it than that.” There was a hell of a lot more to it than that. But he wasn’t keen on remembering the incident, nor sharing it with someone who was supposed to be an enemy. Loki looked dejected, but Tony didn’t budge. “Hey, how about this, you tell me the full story about what happened to you instead.” He flashed a sarcastic smile. “How’s that sound?”

The two locked eyes for a moment. Tony saw something in Loki’s expression he didn’t recognize. Then Loki spoke. “Fine.”

Tony fought the urge to let his face light up. He wanted to at least pretend to be sympathetic. This guy wasn’t a friend by any stretch of the word, and he was a prisoner, but he was still Tony’s research subject. If he made it seem like he didn’t care at all, what was stopping Loki from simply shutting his mouth forever, and never committing to help with the research? “So, no ‘kicking and screaming’?”

“No. I’ve done enough of that. I’m not going to fight this one.” Loki swallowed. “Do you remember, a while ago, when I asked if mortals ever wished they could forget things?”

Tony vaguely remembered. “Sort of. I didn’t really give you an answer, did I?”

“No, you didn’t.”

“Well, the answer is a resounding yes. The experience I was just talking about, when I was kidnapped - that’s one of them. And, obviously...the incident here. What you did. I regret not telling my parents I loved them before they left for the last time. Sometimes I wish I could forget they even existed. And I regret the way I treated…” He trailed off. 

“Virginia Potts. Her?”

Tony felt a wave of guilt hearing her real name. “Yeah. I wasn’t the best guy to her, not by a long shot. I wish I could just...forget all of it,” he sighed. “And you? What do you wish you could forget? I’ll bet you’ve got a lot of those, being, like, a million years old or whatever. How old are you, actually?”

“I don’t know. About one thousand, give or take. But to answer your question, yes.”

Tony waited for Loki to elaborate. He waved his hand in a ‘please continue’ motion. “And?”

“There are quite a few things. Things I’ve seen during battles, gruesome sights. But that’s not what you want to hear about, is it?” Loki shifted his weight, and moved the ice pack to a different spot on his ribs. “You want to know what happened when I was held captive. You want to know what they did to me. You want to know how to do it yourself, so you can threaten me with something new.”

Tony didn’t respond at first. Loki wasn’t necessarily wrong, but Tony wouldn’t put it in such harsh terms. “I mean, you are my prisoner here. And I’m not very well-versed in how to intimidate a god.”

“Let me ask you something first. How did you know I wasn’t telling you the full truth the first time? And how did you know I was lying yesterday?”

“I’ve dealt with a lot of people in my life. People trying to strike deals with me without telling me the whole story, people who lie to me to get me to do things for them. Usually money-related. I’ve gotten pretty damn good at spotting someone who’s using me for something. That requires a very good eye for liars and half-truthers.”

Loki let out a small chuckle. “We’re a terrible match, then.”

Tony’s eyes widened slightly. _Match?_ “Or maybe a perfect one, from my perspective.”

The god laughed again. “Then I’ll tell you the truth this time.” The smile faded from his face. “It’s...not a pleasant truth. But I’d rather tell you now, than continue to be at the mercy of your constant harassment about it. Or you create some hellish technology that pulls the memory from my mind.”

Tony hadn’t considered the possibility, but his mind raced briefly with ideas for such a project. That would be useful, yet horribly unethical. Ethical wasn’t exactly his main gig anymore, though. “Not a bad idea,” he muttered.

Loki drew a heavy breath, and pain flashed across his face as his broken ribs expanded. Tony felt as though, a week ago, he would have loved that look of pain. But now it just made him feel a bit guilty. Loki began to speak then. “I struck out once. At one of the guards. It was soon after my mother had died. I allowed my temper to get the better of me.” His words hung in the air with a heaviness about them. “What I was given in return, as punishment, was worse than anything they had done up to that point. Worse than beatings, worse than death.”

He paused, and Tony didn’t push him to continue. It was clear that this was physically painful for Loki to recall. Yet, Tony somehow got the sense that Loki was thankful to finally have a chance to open up, to finally tell someone about it. Tony knew the feeling. Often, it felt like his PTSD was some big secret, and he desperately wished he could just open up to someone without knowing they would forever look at him differently, and doubt his capabilities.

Loki swallowed, then continued. “I begged for death. I pleaded with them to just give me the axe. Yet they justified their actions. They had not punished me in any physical way before this...incident. I believe…” Tony saw the glint of tears in Loki’s eyes. “I believe they blamed me for her death. And this was my recompense.”

“Your mother?” Tony asked. Loki nodded. There was a pause, then Tony spoke again. “ _Was_ it your fault?”

Another pause. “I don’t know.”

Tony didn’t push the matter any further. Loki stared at a point on the ceiling as he spoke. “What they did to me...it was…” He trailed off and took a few breaths, as deep as he could without pain. “They...defiled me.” His expression shifted to a scowl of rage and humiliation. “They allowed the warriors of Asgard to come make use of the once-great, mighty former prince!” His tone was dripping with sarcastic grandiosity. A tear of anger rolled down his bruised cheek. 

“Hey, listen, you don’t have to continue if you don’t want to, Lokes. I get what you’re saying.” Tony had heard enough. This method of interrogation was out of the question, and he needed no further details. He would not, under even the most extreme circumstances, allow Loki to be _raped_ for information. He knew the man was bad, but such methods were far beyond anything he would even consider within the realm of possibility. A knot of guilt settled in his stomach as he realized he'd been pushing Loki to talk about something so awful, so traumatic.

“No. It’s nice…to finally be able to tell someone. Memories of this nature, they feel like poison in your veins. They eat away at you. And the process of expelling that poison isn’t pleasant either, but it ultimately makes you better.”

Tony related closely to Loki’s elegant analogy. “I fully understand.”

Loki continued. “This treatment I endured. It was far worse than torture. Far, far worse. Indescribably so. My body was...broken, by these warriors. I couldn’t move. I called for my mother. For Frigga. But she was dead. I wished for some miracle to take me from that personal hell, I wished I would simply die. But help never came. And I lived.”

Tony leaned on his good elbow and rested his hand over his mouth. He felt sick, listening to Loki’s recollection. It made his stomach turn with a mix of emotions. On the one hand, he desperately wanted to tell himself that Loki deserved this. But that thought itself made him want to puke. This was not an apt punishment for any crime. The Asgardians were supposed to be a shining example of a civilization of gods, and those closest to them. Tony had always held the Asgardians in high regard, and he trusted them. He studied Loki’s face as he spoke, wishing he could detect some type of lie or exaggeration.

More tears threatened to fall from those green eyes. “This was not too long ago. It ended only a month or so before I was brought here.” He took the now-melted ice pack off his chest and set it beside him. His other hand ran over his face, pulling at his bloodshot eyes.

Tony spoke up. His voice cracked when the words first came out. “This experience, is it the reason you get panic attacks, too?”

Loki nodded. Tony made a frustrated _tsk_ noise and let his hand fall from his face.

“My pride was hurt much more than any part of my body. Marred, permanently. And my mind...I worry it will never be the same as it was before.” Loki sniffed, not bothering to wipe away the tear that fell as he spoke. “Certain things, they set me off. Do you remember the first week I was here? When I struck you?”

The memories came flooding back to Tony, as he remembered the terrified look that had taken over Loki’s expression after he had lashed out at Tony and hit him. A lump formed in Tony’s throat as he considered what had gone through Loki’s head at the time. “I remember.”

“I thought you would do the same.” Loki looked at Tony with a grateful smile. “You threatened me in response, but I felt relieved that night. Knowing I would not receive the same treatment I’d suffered on Asgard. I was frustrated to still be held captive, of course, but I almost felt...grateful.” Tony gave a small smile in response.

“I’d never had any interest in sex. Such a disgustingly primal, primitive thing to me.” Loki ran a hand through his hair. “That was my cousins’ domain, not mine. I was far too busy with my studies to worry about whose bed I’d end up in. But having it forced upon me was more than my mind could handle.”

Tony could feel the resentment radiating from the god. And yet, in this moment, it hit him just how similar the two of them were. “Had you...ever before?” Loki shook his head no, and Tony faintly detected a flush of embarrassment on the god’s cheeks. He was genuinely surprised by Loki’s answer. “Not in over a thousand years?” Loki shook his head again.

“As I said, that was not my domain. And I did not exactly have the best reputation on Asgard. Very few men or women were interested in being seen on my arm.”

“Hey, what did _he_ think of all this? Your brother, I mean. Did he even know it was happening?” Tony rubbed his chin. Knowing the god of thunder, and his relationship to Loki, he figured Thor would have fiercely protected his brother from such harm.

Loki’s expression fell immediately. His eyes squeezed shut, and he brought his chin to his chest, shaking his head a few times. Tony’s stomach dropped, and the hairs on the back of his neck bristled as a sense of outrage washed over him. Loki lifted his head to look at Tony. Tears had started to stream down his cheeks as he spoke in a small voice. “He was...part of it as well.”

Tony’s fist slammed against the arm of the chair so hard he heard the wood inside crack. He wanted to say something, but he didn’t even know what to say. The word _betrayal_ came to him first. His mind screamed as he thought of Thor, the man he’d once held in such high regard. The guy he literally trusted with his life. The guy he considered to be noble, trustworthy, and kind. He, of all people, had taken part in doing this to Loki?

“You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me. His own brother?!” Tony raised his voice. He had half a mind to contact Thor right this very minute and confront him about his actions. 

“Please, keep this information to yourself. I’m already hated enough on Asgard as is. If Thor knows I’ve been telling you all this, he will-”

“No!! No, no, no, no!! Loki, this is fucking ridiculous. I trusted Thor. I put so much trust in him. He convinced me he was a good person. I can’t just _forgive_ him for something like this!” Tony stood up so fast he saw stars, and started to pace around the room. “How dare he. How fucking dare he. I trusted him,” Tony repeated.

“Tony, please, listen to me. You’ll only make things much worse for me when I go back there if you mention it. For my own sake, please-”

“It’s not like I can ever send you back there now!!!” His shout echoed off the walls and rang in his ears. He immediately regretted the words. Not only was it a little insensitive, but he had tipped his hand. He could no longer threaten Loki with the idea of sending him back to his assaulters. The god had been vulnerable with him, but Tony always found it to be in his best interest to keep an ace up his sleeve, no matter the circumstances.

The two were silent for a long moment, each one calculating their next words, and considering what the right move would be. 

Loki spoke first. “You don’t have the facilities to keep me contained here forever. Eventually, I would escape. You know this as well as I do.”

Tony knew Loki was bluffing about escape, but he spoke to Tony’s fears either way, and he wasn’t wrong. Tony had only intended to keep Loki there for six months, at most. Maybe a year, if he hired an assistant. He couldn’t contain Loki forever, and the god would eventually start to go crazy in that cell after long enough, and wouldn't be of any use as a research subject. He sighed. “You’re right. But if you honestly think I’m going to willingly send you back to Asgard to be fucking _raped by your own family_ , you’re insane.” Tony’s words stung, but he needed to say them. “I don’t like the things you’ve done. In fact, I would say I even hate you, to some degree. But I still have morals.”

Loki sighed and placed a hand on his injured side. “Then what are you going to do?”

Tony stared at Loki. Those green eyes were so breathtaking. For a moment, he imagined a different world. One where Loki had never done the things he did. Where Loki was not the enemy. Maybe the two would live together. If Loki was innocent, he wouldn’t be in this cell. He’d be upstairs with Tony. The image of the two of them sitting together on the couch was enough to make Tony want to cry. 

“I don’t know.” 

He walked out the door without another word.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Songs I listened to:  
> Dance Yrself Clean - LCD Soundsystem  
> Adore You - Harry Styles  
> Die Anywhere Else - Alec Holowka (NITW soundtrack)  
> Every Other Freckle - Alt-J

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs: alcoholism mention

Tony had spent the night in a restless sleep once again. He repeated the next day with similar events to the one before, ending in yet another midnight flight as he tried to run away from his problems. Sleep completely abandoned him tonight in his agitated state. So he flew. His maneuvers through the sky were aggressive, and he propelled himself at near-max speed the entire time. After a while, Jarvis chimed in through Tony’s helmet.

“Sir, you’ve been flying for three hours. You may want to return to the house soon, and get your arm back in its sling.”

Tony gritted his teeth. He knew he needed to go back. He could tell he wouldn’t sleep tonight, but piloting the suit while physically exhausted was a challenge, and borderline dangerous. Plus, his elbow was killing him. He changed his path, and redirected back to the house. On the way there, he started processing what had happened at the end of the day. He now knew the source of Loki’s trauma. And it filled him with such fury he wasn’t sure what to do with himself.

He had put himself between a rock and a hard place. Sending Loki back to Asgard would mean sending him back to be assaulted over and over, likely until it killed him. The thought alone made him nearly gag with disgust. He would not let such a thing happen to Loki, regardless of how evil he thought the god was. But he also lacked the infrastructure to keep Loki contained at his home forever. The current living conditions were a temporary measure, meant to just give the god a place to stay as Tony studied him. And he ultimately would be unable to keep Loki’s presence a secret forever, especially if he needed to transfer him to a temporary holding facility while updating the current one.

Even if he managed everything perfectly, if he left Loki with SHIELD while he updated the cell and kept the whole operation a secret, keeping Loki confined forever wasn’t going to work. Keeping someone alone in a prison cell for years will eventually break them down. And Loki wouldn’t be of any use to Tony if he had gone crazy. Tony realized, in that moment, he had completely lost sight of his original project by this point. He was no longer concerned with the force field. He was concerned with Loki. 

Tony landed back at the house, and immediately downed a drink. For a moment he considered going down to speak with Loki, but he reconsidered. He would only make himself more angry talking to him; Loki couldn’t help his current situation any more than Tony could. He grabbed a bottle, and absently took swigs from it while he paced in front of the windows. What the hell was he going to do?

As he stared at the empty living room, that thought from the day before forced its way into his head again. He pictured himself and Loki sitting together on the couch. He pictured a movie on the TV, Loki’s head on his shoulder, the two of them covered by a blanket, enjoying the show together. He imagined Loki’s wrists free of the cuffs that currently bound him. He was there by choice.

The sound of glass breaking broke Tony out of his fantasy. The bottle he’d been drinking from had shattered in his left hand. He hadn’t noticed he’d drank every last drop of it, and all that covered the floor was shards of glass. _Not again._ He scowled, and grabbed a broom to sweep it up. It was difficult to sweep with a sling on, he discovered. Anxiety wrenched at Tony’s heart as he thought about his dilemma. There was no right answer. Even if he trusted Loki enough to let him out of his cell, the man had still been responsible for thousands and thousands of deaths, and the destruction of an entire city. He could never allow Loki to leave the tower, and nobody could ever know Loki had been allowed outside of his cell.

His brilliant mind worked feverishly to try to think of a solution. Then, suddenly, the thoughts and the anxiety quieted down. The alcohol hit his system, and he was able to feel normal again for a moment, and it was blissful. The feeling worried him a bit. “Jarvis, am I an alcoholic?” He asked, only half-joking.

“According to current definitions of the word, I would describe you as a functioning alcoholic, sir.”

Tony shrugged and dumped the shards of glass in the trash. “I’m flattered you threw the word _functioning_ in there at all.” He grabbed another drink, this time pouring it into an actual glass, and making sure to only hold it with his right hand. He sipped it and sighed. “What the hell am I gonna do about this guy, Jarvis?”

“I would suggest sending him back to his home realm once you are finished with your studies. However, it seems that is no longer an option, morally.”

Tony’s glass was empty faster than he expected. “Fuck this.” He set the glass in the sink and just grabbed the whole bottle again. “Yeah, that’s the problem. And I can’t keep him here. Not after the things he’s done.”

“Perhaps, if you could rehabilitate him to an acceptable degree…”

“There will never be an ‘acceptable degree’ for guys like Steve or Bruce. They’d go batshit crazy if they spotted him here, outside of his cell. Hell, they might even kill the guy, whether I tell them to or not.” Tony could feel his racing thoughts starting to slow thanks to the alcohol. He sighed contentedly. “Maybe...I could just go down there to see what he thinks.” He sat in silence, contemplating the idea for quite a while.

When Tony finally got up from his seat on the couch, the clock read 3:30 AM. _No sleep for me tonight, I guess_. He set the nearly-empty bottle down on the counter, and stumbled his way towards the stairs. He was drunk now, more than he usually allowed himself to get. He wasn't even sure if he'd remember his actions tomorrow. He reached the bottom of the stairs, and found Loki in his bed. He was tossing a bottle of shampoo into the air, then catching it on its way down. Tony made his way inside the room. “Hi, Lokes.”

Loki stopped tossing the bottle, and looked at Tony. “Uh, hi.”

Tony sat in a chair, and stared at Loki.

“Can I help you?” Loki asked.

“Nah. I just wanted to come down here. I dunno why.”

Loki nodded, and propped himself up so he could face Tony, sitting cross-legged on his bed. “I see. Um...was there anything in particular you needed?”

Tony was silent. He couldn’t stop staring at Loki. Maybe it was the dim lighting in the room at night, or maybe it was the sleep deprivation, or the alcohol. But Loki looked absolutely flawless. Every single one of his features was perfectly illuminated by the warm glow of the lights. His eyes gleamed like crystals, two emeralds against his porcelain skin. His long legs crossed over one another, his lithe fingers curled across his knees, his delicate waist in between it all. Tony licked his lips absentmindedly.

“Hello? Tony?” Loki waved in Tony’s direction.

Tony jumped, realizing he had just been staring silently. “Oh. Um, what was the question?”

Loki raised an eyebrow. “I asked if there was anything in particular you need-”

“Has anyone ever told you you’re really pretty?”

Loki froze in place mid-sentence. He stared at Tony with a bewildered look, and Tony stared back with half-lidded eyes and a flushed face, his lips parted in a smirk. The two were silent for a few seconds.

“I’m sorry, what?” Loki asked, assuming he misheard Tony.

“You heard me.”

Loki leaned back, stunned by Tony’s sudden gesture of affection, and how forward he was being. He always prided himself on his silver tongue, and yet, he had no clue how to respond. “I...thank you, Tony, I, um…” Tony stood up clumsily and walked over to Loki. He stood near the bed, and the god watched him, suspicious of his next move. “You’re quite drunk, aren’t you?” Loki asked.

Tony smiled and nodded. “Yeah, this usually doesn’t happen, I swear.” He sat down on the edge of the bed near Loki. “And I’m usually a bit more smooth than this.” He let out a short laugh.

Loki shifted to make space for Tony. “You’re not going to kiss me or something, are you?”

Tony’s face fell as he stared at the god. “Why, would you hate that?”

Loki had to stifle a laugh, seeing how Tony turned into a kicked puppy at his words. “I’m not sure, Tony. Though I am just your prisoner, after all. You’re free to do with me as you wish.” His words were laced with sarcastic deference.

“Tell me, Loki, what d’you think about me?” Tony asked directly.

Loki thought about it for a bit, not entirely sure how to respond to such a question. “Well, you certainly are an interesting man. And you’ve been considerably more kind to me than I expected, considering I tried to enslave your realm. If you’re asking if I think you’re attractive, well...you certainly are not hard on the eyes, as far as human standards go.”

Tony’s face lit up. “You really think all that of me?”

Loki gave him a warm smile. “Yes, Tony.” It was adorable how Tony managed salvage such a compliment out of ‘you're okay, I guess.’

“How do I know you’re not just telling me that to get me to let you out of here?”

Loki’s eyebrows flew up. “You’ve been considering that?”

Ah, shit. Tony bit his lip. He didn’t have the mental acuity right now to come back from that. “Well, I mean, those cuffs work pretty good, don’t they? You woulda escaped by now if they didn’t, I’m guessin’.” He swallowed. The alcohol had fogged his brain enough that he spoke without even thinking. “And I’ve been having this...I don’t even know what to call it. A vision. A daydream, I guess, maybe. Since yesterday.”

“And what is that?”

The small sober portion of Tony’s brain begged him to shut the fuck up, but he opened his drunk mouth anyway, looking Loki directly in his widening eyes. “I keep thinking about the two of us. Upstairs. On the couch. Just sitting. But we’re together, y’know?”

Loki cocked his head, his expression unreadable. “Go on.”

Tony drew a deep breath and tried to milk every last drop of confidence out of the alcohol in his system. “In this daydream, this...this _thing_ , we’re, like, watching a movie too. Some dumb sitcom maybe, I don’t know what kind of TV you like. I don’t even know- do you have TV on Asgard? I guess that’s a dumb question, probably not, unless…” He realized he was rambling and took a breath to stop himself. 

At once, an urge to be bold overtook him, and he gently placed a hand on top of Loki’s leg. He expected the god to pull away, to give him a look of disgust, a sneer, mock, something. But to his shock, Loki’s hand softly rested on top of his own. He started talking again, though he could feel his heart starting to race. Every word that fell from his lips had so much pent-up feeling behind it. “I can’t get this image out of my head. I can’t stop…” He paused. If he finished this sentence, there was no coming back. He was drunk, but he still had some of his wits about him. And every part of his shielded heart was screaming at him to stop talking.

“Can’t stop thinking about me?”

Tony drew in a sharp, shocked breath. He pulled his hand away and turned his whole body to face Loki, who peered at him with fiery eyes. Tony shifted himself so he sat cross-legged on the bed as well, facing Loki, their knees pushed together. He felt like a kid telling his crush he liked him on the playground, but he couldn’t read Loki’s emotions. He wanted to say something smooth, something to salvage this train wreck of a confession, but only managed a choked “Y-yeah.”

“I can’t either. About you, I mean.” Loki, usually so eloquent, stumbled over his words.

The man was stunned. Of all the things he expected to hear from Loki tonight, this was absolutely the last one on the list. “I, uh…” He struggled to find something to say.

Before he could even think, a sensation long forgotten washed over him. Loki’s lips had pressed against his own. His eyes widened, and his mind burst into colors of overwhelming joy as he closed his eyes and leaned into the kiss. His head was devoid of all other thoughts besides processing the feeling of Loki’s mouth on his. And he loved it. He loved Loki.

They broke away from each other to breathe after a moment. Tony let his forehead rest against Loki’s as he panted, feeling completely breathless as his heart pounded in his chest. 

“Was that okay?” Loki’s voice was barely more than a whisper. It was a tone that Tony had never heard before, one that dropped the usual bluster. It was kinder, and gentler. He liked the sound of it.

He almost forgot to respond to Loki’s words. “Yeah. Yes. Better than okay. More please.” He’d barely finished speaking before he pressed them together once more, this time trying to focus on the curves of Loki’s lips, and the way his mouth moved. His eyelids fluttered and he breathed a quiet moan into Loki’s mouth when the god’s hand came up to run through Tony’s hair. The feeling of Loki’s hands finally touching him was so intense Tony could barely handle it.

Tony’s love life had gone from a different hot blonde every night to nothing for two years. It was a massive change, and he hated to say it, but he had been withdrawing. But Loki felt like the perfect hit after years of sobriety. Tony knew this would never work. He knew this wouldn’t last. And he knew Loki was bad for him. But he couldn’t resist this any longer. He draped his good arm over Loki’s shoulder and leaned further into the kiss.

Their movements became more frenzied. Loki grabbed at Tony’s shirt and let his other hand caress the man’s neck. Tony’s hand tangled in Loki’s long, dark hair and he pulled at it gently, rewarding him with a sweet, high pitched moan as Loki let himself be pulled away from the kiss by his hair. Tony felt like his heart might just burst looking at the god. His neck arched back as Tony pulled, a beautiful expanse of delicate pale skin. The dark bruise on Loki’s chin made Tony _want_ to feel guilty, but for some reason, it looked sexy to Tony. Like it was a reminder of Loki’s humanity and humility. The black and blue color accentuated the sharpness of Loki’s jaw line. At this angle, Tony noticed in the back of his mind, Loki didn't have an Adam's apple. 

Tony moved down to let his breath graze along Loki’s neck. The feeling elicited a groan and a shudder from Loki, his hands now delicately wrapped around Tony’s waist. Tony breathed in the scent of Loki’s skin as he kissed along his neck, careful not to push too hard on the bruised area. He planted one on the underside of Loki’s chin, and mumbled a “sorry.” Loki laughed, and the sound rumbled across Tony’s lips.

Tony relaxed his pull on Loki’s hair, bringing the god’s face back to eye level, and pulling him in for another kiss. He let his tongue slip between Loki's teeth, testing the waters, and was met with an impassioned moan as Loki pushed against him. Loki’s hands dipped further down Tony’s chest, bunching up the fabric at the bottom of his shirt, and lifting it as he felt along Tony’s body. Tony could feel the god’s fingers trembling as he explored the battle-scarred skin. He couldn't help but smile - Loki, the boastful, confident prince of Asgard, nervous while making out. How adorable.

Loki pushed further towards Tony, shifting his position to allow him to shove Tony down onto the bed. Tony’s legs uncrossed and, before he realized what was happening, he found himself on his back beneath Loki, his hips straddled by the god’s long legs. Loki’s hands pressed on Tony's shoulders as he pulled away from the kiss. Loki’s dark hair framed his face as he stared down at the man beneath him. Tony’s lips were parted, his expression dazed. His eyes blazed with lust, gazing at the perfect image of the god above him.

“How did you do it?” Loki whispered.

Tony cocked his head. “Do what?”

“Seduce me.” Loki didn't wait for an answer before he dipped down to press his lips on Tony's once again. He bit at Tony’s bottom lip, and he was rewarded with a gasp and a breathy moan from the man. 

Tony felt as if he might just unravel underneath Loki. The alcohol dulled his senses, yet every touch was like an electric shock. His mind raced with images of the god. He snaked his good hand under Loki’s shirt and felt along his physique. It felt incredible. He delicately brushed his fingers across Loki’s abdomen, careful to avoid his ribs. Loki shifted his position to get closer to Tony.

Suddenly, Loki broke away from the kiss and leaned back upright on his knees. His hands came up to hold his ribs, and he sucked a breath through his teeth as his features clenched in pain. Tony propped himself up on his elbows.

“What’s wrong?” He asked in a concerned tone. His body ached for more.

“Ow.” Loki took a few short breaths before he spoke. “Maybe...it’s a bit too early for me to move that way.”

Jarvis’s voice made them both jump. “Loki, sir, I would highly recommend keeping your chest upright at all times to avoid pain during the healing process.”

Even in the dimly lit room, Tony could see a hot flush of embarrassment cross Loki’s face. Tony was so used to Jarvis watching his only move, he was unfazed by the AI’s constant surveillance. Loki wasn't used to it at all, and was likely horrified by the realization that Jarvis could always be - and was - watching their every move. Loki didn't respond to Jarvis, instead leaning back onto his pillows, cradling his injured side. His breathing came in fast, short gasps.

A smile worked its way onto Tony’s face as he sat up, dangling his legs off the edge of the bed and looking over at Loki. He didn't usually find himself at a loss for words, but this was one of those times. But he didn't really mind all that much - they both already said all they needed to through their actions.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Songs I listened to:  
> The entire album “Carrie & Lowell” by Sufjan Stevens  
> Pulaski at Night - Andrew Bird

_This was never the plan._

It was never Loki’s intention to actually fall in love with Tony.

He’d conceptualized the plan during his first few nights in captivity at Tony’s tower. He could tell he would be able to seduce Tony. The subtle things that most humans couldn’t recognize were plainly obvious to Loki. Tony’s body language, small movements of his eyes along Loki’s body, the way they interacted, it all clearly pointed to one conclusion: Tony was in love with Loki, he just didn’t know it yet. Loki knew he’d be able to take advantage of this. But things didn’t work out that way. Loki did what he knew would make Tony fall for him. He didn’t think it would make him start to fall, too. It started out subtly, where Loki would look forward to Tony visiting him every morning. On the nights he didn’t sleep, Tony occupied every corner of Loki’s mind. He had always prided himself on being an analytical, calculating person. Every problem was only one clever thought away from being solved. Yet, this problem constantly evaded his solutions.

He found himself creating fantasies. At night, when he was alone for hours on end, he crafted scenarios in his mind. He thought through past conversations with Tony, imagined if he’d responded differently. One night, he imagined himself saying a simple sentence in response to something Tony had said to him. _”And what am I to you?”_ He thought about how Tony might respond. His own mind began to frighten him at some point. He had no control over it anymore, it seemed. Many times, he tried to force himself back on to his original path, to stick with the plan he’d constructed for himself to secure his escape. Yet he found that if he worked to seduce Tony, his own mind fell further into the hole of infatuation. Eventually, he realized he couldn’t dig himself out anymore. The words only lingered on the edges of his thoughts; he refused to let them in. Though he desperately longed to let the sound fall from his lips one day, to just get it out of his head. _I love you._

As he slowly allowed himself to admit that his plan had gone horribly awry, new thoughts began to form. He wondered _why_ it was Tony. Many times, he worried that his feelings had only sprung up out of necessity - he was this man’s captive, and needed to love him to avoid psychological damage, right? That was the story he told himself at first, to make the burden of love easier. But as he pondered the matter more, he realized it had always been Tony.

The first time they interacted in New York had cemented itself in Loki’s mind immediately. If the influence of the mind stone hadn’t been so great, if he hadn’t been in the process of destroying the city, if he hadn’t fucked everything up already, he likely would have happily joined Tony for that drink. A deep, immense regret washed through Loki as he thought of New York. He only wanted to feel powerful. He only wanted to be important, and feel revered, for once in his life. He only wanted to shake things up a bit, and gain some recognition for it. He hadn’t meant for it to cause such extreme devastation. But by the time he realized it wasn’t what he wanted, it was too late. 

With the realization of his own feelings, more unwelcome guilt came along. He thought about how he had intentionally triggered Tony’s panic attack, so he could show compassion to the man, and give him a chance to be physically intimate. In his plan, this would cause a longing in Tony to free Loki, as he saw the god as more of a source of comfort than a research subject. But thinking of the event now, he realized he hadn’t stuck to his original plot. Loki had genuinely cared for Tony during the attack. He meant to only extend a hand in support when Tony reached out for it, yet Loki went out of his way to comfort Tony. He felt as if he needed to.

Loki paced across his cell as his mind raced. He’d been thinking for hours, and the sun was starting to come up. The events that occurred only a few short hours ago were crystal clear in his memory. Why had he done that? What possessed him to kiss Tony? That was a horrible decision. His stomach flipped as he thought of the implications of his actions. Tony had nearly ran for the door after Loki moved off of him. He mumbled something about “sorry, sorry, shouldn’t have done that” and went upstairs, leaving Loki alone, as his body burned for more. 

After Tony left, Loki tried something he hadn’t done before. He spoke to Jarvis. He’d asked “Jarvis, what was that?” He wasn’t sure why he spoke directly to Jarvis. He hadn’t bothered even attempting to converse with the AI before, assuming he was coded to not respond to Loki. But to his surprise, Jarvis responded.

“I do believe Anthony likes you, sir.” Jarvis’s response was so simple, something that was incredibly, painfully obvious to Loki, it made him want to roll his eyes. Yet, the words made his head swim.

His plan, his manipulation of Tony, it had all completely backfired in the most spectacular way possible. Loki didn’t know if he was furious, or relieved that he didn’t have to worry about the plan anymore. But he felt heavy with the weight of this knowledge. The future he had tried to carefully construct for himself had fallen apart. He knew Tony wouldn’t send him back to Asgard, knowing what was waiting for him there - that was certain. But there was nowhere else for Loki to go, now that he was so attached to Tony.

A familiar longing sadness creeped through his veins like ice. He didn’t belong anywhere. He curled his hands into tight fists. He wanted to blame somebody else, anybody else. He wanted to say this was Odin’s fault, or Thor’s fault, or Frigga’s fault. He wanted to say this was Thanos’ fault for roping him into attacking New York. But in the end, he knew it was all his own fault. The thought frustrated him to no end. He deserved better than this. Why was he dealt this hand in life? Perhaps it was always his destiny to suffer in one way or another. Mischief never has a good ending. One must always pay for one’s crimes. 

Loki had spent many of his days in Tony’s tower reflecting on the things he’d done. It had been different on Asgard. There, it felt as though he was only waiting for some mistake by the guards, something that would open his cell and let him walk free. Being over a thousand years old meant that spending two years imprisoned felt like nothing. That was, until the _incident_ , as his mind had come to calling it. Every minute of every hour of every day after that point felt like an eternity. Until Stark saved him from it. _Saved_ wasn’t exactly an apt word, though. He did have many more amenities here at the tower than he did in the dungeons of Asgard, but it wasn’t exactly the sprawling rooms and shining castles he’d gotten used to over his years as a prince. But Tony did care for him, it seemed. Whether it was Tony’s own conviction or the result of Loki’s manipulation, Loki couldn’t tell. 

Loki sighed, gritting his teeth when a flash of pain tore through his body, emanating from his chest. Those broken ribs were really giving him a hard time. He felt like it was payback, though. For having such ill intentions in his heart from the very beginning. For purposely triggering Tony, so he could swoop in and be his savior. He had to admit, though, it had felt quite nice being Tony’s source of comfort. And last night. Loki felt a shiver run through his body, his face flushing a bright red thinking of the memory. Tony had just tasted so _good_. He knew it wasn’t right to love Tony as much as he did, given the things he’d done to the man in the past. He knew it would never work between them; he had made too many mistakes. He’d done too many bad things. But he’d be damned if he didn’t want to figure out some way to make it work. 

He tried to pinpoint the moment when this had all come to be. His mind wandered to the moment when he’d first met Tony, face to face. He had been in the middle of trying to destroy the city, and Tony had come to casually threaten him. Something about the way Tony was such a smooth talker, the way he asked if Loki wanted a drink...it was all a method of intimidation, but it had quite the opposite effect on Loki. He wasn't afraid, rather, he was immensely interested in Tony. The way he carried himself with such confidence even in the face of a literal god intrigued him to no end. Loki hadn't been able to stop thinking about Tony, even in the months that followed. When he had nothing else to think about, he thought of Tony. Every time the man crossed his mind, it flustered Loki a bit. He’d had his childhood crushes, and they had come and gone quickly for him. But Tony was different. While Loki expected his memories of the man to fade into the background after a month or so, he found himself clinging to those memories instead. 

His thoughts drifted once again, to the fantasy Tony had spoken of, the words that had persuaded Loki to kiss him. The idea of just existing, outside of this cell, with Tony...it made Loki’s heart flutter. His face scrunched up into a scowl as he recognized his body’s reaction. He was immensely frustrated with himself - a lack of control over his emotions was not a concept he was familiar with, and it both terrified and disgusted him. And yet, the feeling of surrendering to these waves of love was one that filled him with muted joy. He ran his bruised and skinned fingers through his hair, staring up at the ceiling. 

_There has to be some way out of here. There has to be some way I can convince him I’m not a threat. I’m not a threat, am I?_

His thoughts pulled him every way possible until the morning sun was high in the sky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a lil short chapter today, but one I thought was necessary to explain Loki's motivations. Hope yall liked it! <3

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first fic I've written since 2016. It felt so great to write again. I hope everyone enjoys reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it!
> 
> The next chapter will be out very very soon. :)
> 
> Follow me on twitter for more Tony Stark + Loki stan content! @starkkinnie


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